Invisible to the Eye
by Cats070911
Summary: When Barbara reluctantly agrees to go to the opera with Tommy she has no idea where it will lead. A change of pace - be warned this one will creep slowly.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's note:** The characters as always are borrowed from Elizabeth George and the BBC.

* * *

The week had meandered seemingly aimlessly and Detective Inspector Tommy Lynley's interest in life had followed the same course. London was a large and vibrant city that attracted diverse and colourful people but strangely over the last few weeks the murderers, kidnappers and rapists seemed to be on summer vacation leaving him to wallow in a backlog of forms and filing. It was Friday evening and one more form to requisition a new computer for Detective Constable Winston Nkata and he could escape.

"Hiya," his sergeant, Barbara Havers, said as she knocked on his door, "we're all just heading to the pub. Fancy a drink?"

"I might follow later," he replied a fraction too quickly. He saw her expression and added, "I have to ring Mother. I'm not sure I'll be in the mood." It was a conversation he had delayed for days since receiving her well-meaning but nagging email.

"Okay, well we'll be there for an hour or so."

Her tone betrayed a vague disappointment that made Tommy look up. She rewarded him with a smile and he recognised he had been rude and dismissive. He smiled back at her amused at the calming affect she had on him at times. "Give me twenty minutes."

"Do you want me to wait?"

"No. Go. I'll see you there." He looked directly in her eyes so that she knew he meant it. She smiled and left his office. He looked at the phone sitting on his desk and suddenly felt terribly alone.

His mother answered quickly and could not understand his reluctance to invite any of the young women she had suggested to Turandot. "Tommy, you are the 8th Earl of Asherton in case you had forgotten and that brings with it certain responsibilities. We sponsor the charity and it is poor form for you not to attend. Everyone understood last year, after Helen, but this year you need to be seen to be resuming your life."

"I am not sure I am ready just yet to 'resume my life' as you put it but I do know I am not going to give some young woman false hope."

"Then find someone you would like to bring. It's only one evening Tommy, I'm not asking you to propose to them!"

"I could escort you or Judith," he offered hopefully.

"Your sister has her own escort this year and so do I so no, you are not getting away with that. Nor can you come alone."

Tommy understood he had little choice. "I promise you I will think about it. It's not for three weeks."

"Good. We can discuss it again next week. I can send you another list if that helps."

"No, no more lists Mother please."

They exchanged a few pleasantries about the family and discussed some business matters regarding the estate before he rang off. He slumped back against his chair, defeated. He would need to select one of his mother's suggestions of suitable eligible women and suffer through the evening bored out of his wits. At times he wished he had no title and could just meet someone, fall in love and marry like normal people did instead of having to think about the precious bloodline. As he walked to the car park he remembered his promise to Barbara. He sighed heavily as he would have preferred to go home but he turned and trudged towards the pub.

It was slightly too warm inside the small and crowded bar area where his team were sitting. The timberwork and green fake leather upholstery looked as false as he felt. Lynley shrugged off his coat before he sat down next to Winston Nkata. Winston was always the centre of parties so perhaps he could just blend in. He wanted whiskey but ordered a pint of bitter. Whiskey tended to make him too introspective and was best consumed at home when he was unable to sleep and plagued by guilt and regret. He told himself to relax and be friendly.

"Evening Sir," DC Nkata said, "I know I shouldn't wish it but I hope something interesting happens next week."

"I've finished all my paperwork and sharpened all my scalpels so I'm inclined to agree," chimed in Stuart Lafferty. Lynley frowned at the pathologist but understood; it was hard not to feel as if he too was waiting for something to happen.

"We should be grateful," he said, "when it starts again we will be run off our feet."

Gradually the team drifted home and when Lafferty accepted a lift home from Winston it left only Barbara and Tommy to finish their drinks. "How was your mother?" she asked.

"Fine." Barbara looked at him, her eyes boring into his soul. "Okay, she is pressing me to do something I'd prefer not to do." He could hear the bitterness in his voice.

"Such as?"

"Our charity has a benefit in three weeks, a performance of Turandot." He saw the quizzical look on her face. "It's an opera." Barbara screwed up her nose then to cover took a sip of beer making Tommy shake his head. "She sent me a list of eligible women and wants me to invite one to accompany me. I don't want to send those signals."

Barbara cocked her head to the left. "What signals?" how he liked her naivety at times.

"That I might be on the market in some way. I don't want every lonely divorcee or young title-chaser to think I am dating again nor do I want whoever I choose to think they have the inside running to be the next Countess."

"Then take someone _you _want to take. Or take your sister."

"Judith's busy."

"And you have to go I presume?"

Lynley nodded sadly. "Yes."

"Well there's only one answer then."

Tommy smiled at her and for the first time all night it was heartfelt. "You don't mind then?"

"No, why would I?"

"I thought it would take a lot more to convince you. Thank you Barbara; I'll pick you up at seven."

"What? No! No, that's not what I meant."

Tommy was confused. "What did you mean then?"

"That you should hire an escort."

Lynley's almost choked on his drink and his expressions ranged quickly from shock through mortification and settled on righteous indignation. "Lynleys do _not _hire escorts Havers. I have never needed to _hire_ a woman and I am not about to start now!"

"No Sir, of course. I'm sorry. It just seemed like the pragmatic answer. They have some very high end ones that know all the social graces." She saw from his face that he was now angry. "But of course, you wouldn't need one," she added hastily.

"No, I do not," he snapped.

"Sorry again Sir. Well I had better be off. Good night Sir."

He could see she was embarrassed and keen to make her escape. When she stood to leave Tommy reached out and put his hand on her arm to stop her. "Wait. Let me try again. Barbara I have to go to this function and I would like you to accompany me. You said yourself I should take someone I want to take and I'd like to take you. I'm comfortable with you and it would send the right signals."

Barbara sat again. "Sir, thank you but you know I'm not into that sort thing. I'd embarrass you and I don't want to be some sort of lighthouse."

Tommy laughed lightly at her last comment. "No, you are not a lighthouse but you do light up my life." He stopped what he was saying quite stunned at his phrasing. Barbara was trying to look anywhere but at him. Her hair was its usual unkempt style and he saw how much her green eyes sparkled when she blushed. The small tug of her bottom lip between her teeth told him she was not sure what to say.

He continued hoping it would ease the awkwardness his last comment had created. "You wouldn't embarrass me and I'd be with you the whole time. It is half an hour of small talk then a couple of hours listening to music then dinner with Mother and Judith and their partners. It would alleviate social pressure for me and I think you'd enjoy it. Please Barbara?"

"Sir, I don't think I can. For a start I don't have anything suitable to wear. I know nothing about opera and don't speak German. It would be a disaster and we'd both regret it."

"I'll happily pay for a dress or you could wear the one you wore to my engagement party if you still have it." Barbara nodded. "Good. It is sung in Italian not German and I will play it for you before we go so that you understand it. Any excuse you muster I have the answer," he said with enthusiasm.

Havers sighed and took a long sip of her beer. For Lynley it seemed an eternity before she responded. "On one condition."

"Yes?" he asked anxiously.

"You come somewhere with me that is outside your comfort zone."

"It would be my pleasure. What exactly?"

"Something I've wants to do for years but haven't had anyone to go with. Let me check." She pulled out her mobile and started looking for something. Tommy excused himself and went to the gents. When he returned Barbara was grinning ominously. "Are you free tomorrow?"

"So soon? Yes I can be free."

"Good I'll pick you up at one o'clock. Wear something casual and a warm coat."

Tommy smiled in that special way he did when he and Barbara shared a secret. "So are you going to tell me where we are going?"

She smirked back at him. "No. Do you have an Oyster card?"

"Yes, I am not the Royal Family Barbara; I have used public transport before." He tried to sound offended but failed miserably.

"Good," she said as she finished the last of her beer. She grabbed her coat and headed for the door. "Night Sir, see you tomorrow."

He watched her leave surprised that his interest in life had revived.


	2. Chapter 2

At noon Tommy started to pace around his house waiting for Barbara to arrive. It was unusual for him not to know what to wear but her instructions had been scant and he had no idea of what her version of casual might mean. He had selected a pair of slightly faded jeans and a plain blue cotton shirt over which he wore a lightweight grey jumper and navy woollen coat. He stood staring at the mirror pondering if a scarf might be too much. He had no idea why he was unsettled but was annoyed that his usual confidence had deserted him.

When Barbara arrived he waited to answer the door, not wanting to appear too anxious. He surreptitiously checked her out from the bay window; jeans, her usual parka and what looked like a woollen scarf around her neck. He grabbed his scarf and tossed it over his coat as he passed the coatrack. Annoyed that he was still nervous he took a deep breath and opened the door. "Good afternoon Barbara."

"Hi Sir, are you ready?"

He nodded and grabbed his coat, wrapping the scarf loosely around his neck. As he locked the door he asked, "so are you going to tell me where we're headed?"

"Nup! You might change your mind."

Tommy laughed and followed her. Two buses later he had learned how to tap on and off properly, clearly alerting Barbara to the fact that he had not travelled by bus in years. They alighted near the Stamford Bridge Stadium and joined the throng of supporters surging towards the gates. "A soccer match! I didn't know you are a football fan Barbara."

"I'm not but it is something I have wanted to do for a long time. Have you ever been?"

"No, I'm more of a rugby man but this will be fun. Do we have a side we are barracking for?"

"The ones in red but the blue ones are probably more your demographic. You can go for them if you like."

"I'm not sure how to take that," he replied laughing, "more of your class divisions? For once

I think we should support the same side!" She did not reply but crinkled her nose at him cheekily.

They found their seats easily and Tommy thought the tightly packed blue plastic seats were sheer luxury compared to the wooden benches he used to sit on to watch the Harlequins play. The man next to him smelt strongly of onions and beer and the lady behind kept kicking his seat with her foot. The stands were filling quickly and the buzz of expectation rang around the ground. The fans at one end started to sing 'Blue is the Colour', the club anthem of the team that Tommy was not supporting today. It was a catchy tune though and he started to hum it to tease Barbara. "See I knew you wouldn't be able to resist yourself," she said.

He laughed and said, "yes I can. I am not as predictable as you think Havers."

"Yeah? You'll always be blue and I'll always be red." Her voice held no malice but it was accusing.

"It's only a soccer match Barbara." He hoped this was not going to turn into an argument.

"No, I mean in all things. You're always going to be the blue, the conservative with access to everything, and I'll always be the red, the underdog that has to fight for anything."

"That's not fair Barbara. I thought we'd moved on from all this class nonsense. And if you mean conservative as in Tory, I'll have you know I haven't always voted for them. I actually have quite progressive views on social justice. Surely you must have seen some of that side of me in eight years?"

Barbara looked at him strangely. "Sorry, I was only teasing you. Your politics are none of my business Sir. My mother always said it wasn't polite to discuss, politics, religion or sex," she said trying to lighten the mood. "Besides what makes you think l _don't_ vote Tory?"

Tommy chuckled,"as you say it is not polite to ask."

Their seats were mid-row and they all had to stand to let an older couple past. The woman sat next to Barbara and started to chat to them. "Mixed marriage isit?" she asked after a few minutes. Tommy and Barbara both frowned. "Well yer scarf makes it plain who you support but yer 'ubby seems too posh for 'em! I thought for sure it's yer ann'al grudge match."

Barbara tried to explain that they were not actually married and that Lynley was her boss. The woman tapped the side of her nose knowingly. "I git it love, you're his bit on the side eh?," she said nudging Barbara in the ribs. "As long as he looks after yer. A right Lord 'e looks! Ain't half bad an' all," she continued as she looked Tommy up and down. "He could park 'is shoes under me bed anyday!"

Tommy stifled his laughter into the sleeve of his coat. He only wished he had taken a photo of Barbara's face. "I might leave you two lovely ladies to chat," he said in his best House of Lords voice, "would you like a beer my dear?" Barbara glared at him but her eyes were laughing and Tommy made his escape. By the time he returned to his seat some of the beer had spilt over the rims of the flimsy plastic cups as he had jostled with the crowd. "You can go at half time."

"No darling," she said, "I think you should look after me." Tommy rolled his eyes in a perfect imitation of Barbara and they both laughed. He was enjoying himself.

"Did you ever play?" Barbara asked him as they sipped their beers

"Soccer? No, but I played Rugby at school and then for college at Oxford."

Barbara suddenly push his hair back. Her touch shocked him and he stiffened slightly unsure what to do as she ran her hand over his left ear. "No you didn't," she said, "your ears aren't all swollen and lumpy."

Tommy laughed. "Lumpy ears as you call them come from playing in the packs. I was usually inside centre so I rarely got near the pack."

"Right," she replied vaguely.

"Do you know much about rugby?"

"Only the few bits I've seen on telly. At least I know the shape of the ball is different and that it is quite violent."

"Yes they say soccer is a gentleman's game played by thugs and rugby is a thug's game played by gentlemen. I'll take you one day." Barbara grunted non-commitally. "It would be fun and I think you'd enjoy the way they crunch into each other. The Harlequins are entertaining to watch."

"Harlequins? Do they wear court jester costumes?"

Lynley thought this was hilarious. "In a way yes. Yes they do." Barbara frowned at him.

The game started and the ball was passed up and down the pitch at a frenzied pace. Tommy admired the skills of long kicks and sharp passes and started to get into his full barracking stride. He also observed Barbara who seemed far less interested in the game and he wondered why she had suggested coming. He presumed it must have been something on her bucket list. He could understand why she would not have wanted to come alone but he had been too easily absorbed in the sport of it to be good company. He took more care to talk to her about the game and what was happening which seemed to heighten her interest.

At half time he left her being harangued by the couple next to her about the poor refereeing as he went for more beer. Neither team had scored and the locals seemed a bit restless. He was surprised Barbara thought he would be one of them. As he stood at the end of the row, beers in hand, waiting to squeeze past everyone's knees he watched Barbara. She was staring out at the ground and looked decidedly sad. He frowned wondering what was wrong but when he sat down her smile came back.

The second half ebbed and flowed like the first and he gave her a running commentary which seemed to amuse her. When a player plainly faked an injury he stood with the rest of the red supporters and yelled mild abuse at the referee, mainly to make Barbara smile. "Sir, you don't have to get that into it," she whispered when he sat. He was delighted that in the eighty-eighth minute their team scored. He hugged Barbara around the shoulders and cheered with the rest of the supporters. Barbara looked bemused.

As they left the ground the crowds pressed in on them. Tommy took Barbara's hand. It seemed a natural thing to do but she shook it free. "What are you doing Sir?" she demanded.

"I didn't want to get separated in the crowd."

"I'm not seven. I will find you again. If I want to."

Lynley was mildly hurt but he had not meant to offend her. "Yes, I'm sorry."

The walked in silence towards the buses but Barbara groaned when she saw the queues. "We can walk," Tommy suggested, "it's only about forty minutes but there is a great pub on the way and then I'll drive you home." She looked at him as if she was trying to decide. "They have great chips."

"Alright," she relented.

As they walked along they chatted about the game. "Thanks for coming with me today," Barbara said suddenly.

"My pleasure. I enjoyed it. It's been a long time since I did anything like that." He smiled generously at her but her smile was grim. "Are you sorry I didn't feel more ill at ease?"

"No! It wasn't payback for the opera thing." She paused as if deciding whether to speak. "My brother followed them and when he was sick I promised to take him and then later he made me promise one day I would go. I've wanted to but not alone. This seemed a good opportunity."

Tommy was stunned. He had had no idea but that explained the scarf and the sadness. He draped his arm over her shoulder and hugged her to him as they walked. "I'm honoured that you let me be the one to accompany you." He kept his arm there longer than normal but she did not object.

It was almost six o'clock when they walked into the pub. It was quite crowded but the barman recognised Tommy and escorted them to a small room off the main bar where there were a few other couples. Tommy exchanged pleasantries with an old friend before they sat down. He ordered two meals and two pints.

"You come here a lot then." It was a statement, not a question.

Tommy was uncertain whether to say anything but decided it was better to be honest. "It's a bit of a hangout for Eton old boys I'm afraid."

"And you bought me here?"

"Yes but we can leave if it makes you uncomfortable." Tommy tried hard not to sigh or look annoyed. It was only a pub after all, not an audience with the Queen.

Barbara looked around but no one was staring at them. "Their chips better be very good," she replied begrudgingly. Under her breath but loud enough for him to hear she added, "but Barbara I'm not a blue!" His face reddened as he smiled at her, admitting she had a point.

As they ate Tommy was amused that she ate her chips quickly then asked him questions to distract him while her little hand snuck across to his plate and stole a chip. She had only eaten some of her steak so Tommy asked innocently, "is that Hillier over there?" She swung her head in horror and he forked her steak and moved it deliberately slowly onto his plate.

She turned back and caught him the started to laugh. "Oi! That's not very Eton of you Sir."

"Quite the contrary Havers, you have never witnessed growing boys in a dining hall have you? Anyway seeing you ate all my carbohydrates I needed extra protein."

"You get plenty of carbs from that beer you're scoffing. I think I should call a cab. I can't have you arrested for DUI taking me home."

Lynley looked at his watch. It was nearly seven-thirty. "It's right in the peak for cabs now. Come back to my place and we'll order one from there. The address tends to prioritise the response times."

"I'll bet it does M'Lord!" Tommy raised his eyebrows in mock annoyance.

The walk took them about twenty minutes. It was a pleasant but cool evening and Tommy was glad of the warmth of his coat. As he unlocked his door he tried to think of an excuse to prolong the evening. He did not fancy spending the rest of the evening alone. "Let me play you Turandot."

"That would be nice Sir but some other time yeah. It's getting late and you'll be wanting your evening to do something. But thanks again for giving up your day to come with me. I appreciated it." She smiled shyly but did not look at him properly. "I had fun."

"I enjoyed it too Barbara, very much. Just let me play you one aria please. It will make sense I promise."

"I presume an aria is not the whole thing?"

"No, just one song."

"Okay then." She followed him into his house and let him help her with her coat. She sat on his lounge while he fixed them drinks and found his CD. "This is a classic recording from 1974 sung by Joan Sutherland and Luciano Pavarotti. I like the way their voices blend but this aria, Nessun Dorma, was his signature song."

The was a pause then orchestral introduction and choral backing slowly started to fill the room before Pavarotti's voice broke in singing firmly but evenly. Tommy watched Barbara's reaction. She seemed impassive, possibly bored at first but when she heard the tenor's voice lift and start to soar Tommy saw the spark of recognition. "This was a World Cup theme," she exclaimed as her face broke into a grin.

"Not quite, but the BBC used it for their coverage back in 1990."

The music continued to play and Barbara listened as she spoke. "This is from the opera you're going to see?"

"Yes, the one we are going to see."

"Will you play it again for me and explain what it means?"

Tommy fetched his remote and sat beside her on the lounge, closer than was strictly necessary. "I won't explain the whole opera tonight but basically the main character, Calef, had to answer three riddles in order to win the hand of Princess Turandot. He did but she still won't marry him so one night he offers her a choice. If she can guess his name by dawn she can have him killed but if she fails she must marry him. She's very hard-hearted so orders that everyone stay awake to find out who he is and if they fail she will have them killed."

"Why would he want to marry such a horrible woman?" Barbara asked.

"He loves her and he can see her passion underneath her icy exterior."

"Sounds unrealistic to me. So what happens?"

"Oh no, you have to let me play the whole thing in context but I will translate this particular aria for you. Caleb is in the garden and can hear the guards telling the people

_Nessun dorma! Nessun dorma! _"None shall sleep!... None shall sleep!"

_Tu pure, o, Principessa, nella tua fredda stanza, guardi le stelle che tremano d'amore e di speranza. _"Even you, o Princess, in your cold room, watch the stars, that tremble with love and with hope."

_Ma il mio mistero è chiuso in me, il nome mio nessun saprà!_ "But my secret is hidden within me, my name no one shall know."

_No, no, sulla tua bocca lo dirò quando la luce splenderà! _"No! No! On your mouth I will say it when the light shines."

_Ed il mio bacio scioglierà il silenzio che ti fa mia! _"And my kiss will dissolve the silence that makes you mine!"

Then the people can be heard singing,_ Il nome suo nessun saprà! e noi dovrem, ahime, morir, morir! _"No one will know his name and we must, alas, die, die!"

_Dilegua, o notte! Tramontate, stelle! Tramontate, stelle! All'alba vincerò! vincerò, vincerò! _"Vanish, o night! Fade, stars! Fade, stars! At dawn, I will win! I will win! I will win!"

"That's quite beautiful and when you understand what it's about I guess it sort of...adds to it."

"Yes, it does."

"I get that it's a stirring piece of music but why would they choose that for the soccer?"

"I think because it is about the pursuit of your dream and confidence in victory."

Barbara's face lit up with enthusiastic innocence. "I like that Sir, play it again for me please."

Tommy smiled at her, the way that he smiled only for her.


	3. Chapter 3

He was unsure if it was the ache in his back or the stiffness in his neck that woke him. Tommy groaned then squinted at the clock through mildly hungover eyes and noticed it was nearly nine o'clock. Slowly he stood and stretched. Still stiff, he rotated his neck gently to try to get some movement back. He looked at the half empty bottle on the table by the couch disgusted that after such a pleasant day he had reverted to old habits. _So much for a renewed interest in life!_

He had been unable to persuade Barbara to stay to listen to the rest of the opera, so he had sat and nursed a whiskey bottle for company. It was probably for the best because he had become a bit too sentimental last night. He wondered if she had sensed his mood and had made her escape before things became awkward. As they sat close together while he explained Nessun Dorma he had put his hand on her arm. She had not flinched but he suspected it had annoyed her after the way she had so vehemently rejected his hand in the crowd. Feeling the softness of her skin he had been almost overwhelmed by the desire to wrap his arms around her and hold her close to his chest while they sat back and allowed the rich voices to insulate them from the world.

He doubted that she had ever known the comfort that the warmth of another body snuggled next to you, enjoying the same moment, can bring. It was sad, she deserved to be loved, but in a way he envied her because she did not need that physical connection the way he craved it. He did love her, as a friend, and he was sure she knew that but he could not help but wish that sometimes instead of companionable silence she would just hold him and let him know he too was loved. He cursed his mawkishness and went for a shower.

By eleven he had finished his chores and was unreasonably restless. He thought about a walk to clear his head but it was drizzling outside. He picked up his phone and toyed with his short dial list before punching a number. It answered quickly with a friendly, "Good morning Tommy."

"Good morning Mother. I just thought I would let you know I have solved my problem. I've invited someone to the opera."

The delight in his mother's voice was hard to contain. "That's wonderful. Who did you choose?"

"Barbara," he said as nonchalantly as he could.

"Barbara?" It sounded as if his mother was mentally running down her list of names. "Oh Barbara," she said at last, "well Tommy that's good. It's a nice safe decision."

"Safe?"

"Yes, it says you are up and around again but not ready for anything serious. It keeps your doors open." Tommy was about to say something rude when his mother continued, "Just make sure you don't hurt her Tommy. She's been a good friend and doesn't deserve that."

"I won't. She understands exactly why I asked her." After his mother had hung up he sat and stared into space. D_oes she? After last night I'm not sure I know. _

He bowed to the inevitable and dialled her number. "Havers."

He tried to sound light yet sincere. "Good morning Barbara. I just rang to thank you for yesterday. I haven't had that much fun in a long time."

"Me either Sir, thanks for coming along."

"Seeing it's Sunday and I suspect this week will get busy at work I wondered if you wanted to come over and finish listening to Turandot this afternoon?"

Barbara paused just long enough for Tommy to know she was about to refuse. "Sorry Sir, I would actually like that but I …have plans."

"I see," he said sure he had not hidden his disappointment very well, "another time perhaps."

There was another pause and he wondered if he was expected to ring off. "You could come if you like," she said slowly, "but I don't want to make you uncomfortable."

"Why would I be uncomfortable?"

There was a large intake of breath on the other end of the line then she said slowly, "I'm going to the cemetery. I go every month."

A tear formed in his eye. It was a nostalgic side of Barbara that he had not seen before. "I'd like to go with you, if I'm not intruding," he said softly.

"Can you pick me up at one?" she asked, "I am presuming you don't want me to drive."

He was sore enough from his night on the couch so any thought of being sardined into her car left him cold. "One o'clock it is," he said and hung up.

He arrived early and knocked on her door. She let him in while she finished dressing but as she passed her table she guiltily covered something over with her washing, clearly not wanting him to see. He remembered the last time she did that shoving her underwear into a drawer that he then opened to fetch a knife. He smiled at the memory; life had been simpler then. A gentleman of course never commented nor snooped but curiosity overcame his manners and already ashamed of himself he lifted the shirt for a quick peak. 'Opera for Dummies' stared back at him and he let the shirt fall. When she returned he was standing a long way from the table but had a huge grin on his face. She quickly checked her clothing which made him laugh. "What's so funny Sir?'

"I'm not sure if it is funny or tragic that just because I was smiling you assumed your clothing was on backwards. Am I really that miserable?"

"You have your moments," she said with a smirk, "but you have been better lately I must admit."

As he drove she talked excitedly about the day before. Her voice was a little too high and her enthusiasm a bit too much and Tommy realised she was nervous. It puzzled him but he did not want to pry. He parked on the verge where Barbara indicated. It was still misting with rain and so he grabbed an umbrella from his back seat. Somehow it seemed fitting that it was not a sunny day. Barbara bought five individual flowers from the vendor near the gate; four imported brightly colored zinnias and a single red rose. They walked down the path next to a sign labelled "Garden of Remembrance'. Tommy wondered how many gardens around the world bore the same name in a vain attempt to make everyone believe that the people named on the plaques were in fact remembered.

A small brass plaque had her brother's basic details inscribed and Tommy was struck by how little of whom we really were remains for the world to know. For him, in the family cemetery at Nanrunnel, he would simply become Thomas, 8th Earl of Asherton, slotted in neatly between his father and his heir, most likely his brother. There would be nothing about how he lived, what he believed in, who he had loved; nothing whatsoever to distinguish him as an individual. He looked around at all the names hiding under the leaves of poorly trimmed branches. They too had been individuals who had experienced the complex hopes and horrors of life but in the end they were reduced to just names and dates under the thorny sticks of a bush that blossomed with false promise once a year.

Barbara had stooped to pull some old flowers from a small vase next to the plaque. She placed the brightest flower in its place. "Terry, this is Mr Lynley, my boss."

It was a clear introduction and Tommy felt obliged to respond. "Pleased to meet you Terry."

Barbara continued her conversation with her brother as Lynley looked on in fascination. "You will never guess what we did yesterday. We went to see your team play and they beat Chelsea 1-0. I know it's taken me far too long to go but we've talked about it before and yesterday it was the right time." She went on to tell her brother about the game and the couple they had met and how funny she had been. Tommy held the umbrella over them and watched her wondering if she actually believed Terry could hear her and understand.

Eventually he heard Barbara promise to be back next month. He wondered if he should say anything. "Good bye Terry, it was nice chatting." It seemed appropriate and Barbara looked up and smiled at him infectiously.

As they walked to the car she answered his question. "Thank you Sir. Thinking, even for just a few minutes, that he can hear me helps me to cope better. I come out here and visit him and my parents. Do you mind if we go to visit them too?"

"Not at all," he said tenderly hoping that his voice did not crack. He had never thought about visiting a grave other than to check the plaque was correctly spelt. Now he looked up the hill to where he knew Helen was interred and wondered if he should come back one day and visit. Her family had wanted her in London to be closer to them. He had not cared at the time as they had never lived at Nanrunnel but it now occurred to him that they would never rest together and he was unsure if that bothered him or not. He was no longer a spiritual man in a religious sense, if he ever had been. For him it was clear, the soul of a person existed wholly within their living being. When the body died there was nothing left; nothing that went on to a better life or lived an eternity in torment. Just a void in the lives of the people left behind.

"Do you believe in the afterlife Havers?"

"Sometimes. I'd like to think that they're out there somewhere in a better place but most of the time no. You?"

"I think if there is it scares me more than if there isn't. I don't want my father or Helen looking down knowing what a complete hash I'm making of things. I used to believe, but not anymore. Once you're dead you're dead I think."

The Havers were interred in a brick remembrance wall; just two other plaques amongst hundreds of others. The anonymity of it all saddened him. People actively attempted to create memorials to their loved ones but in the end, in death as in life, everyone was reduced to basic statistics and remained unknown and unloved by the strangers who passed them. Barbara placed a flower and spent a few minutes at each plaque but did not talk to them the way she had with her brother. He did not really know what to say to her so simply smiled, his mouth closed in a tight line. It was a smile he used when words failed him but he wanted her to know he understood.

"You know sometimes I think it would be nice if they were all together, like a family again and that there was a plot for me too,' she said wistfully. He was about to offer to pay for them to be moved but she must have read his expression. "Oh no you don't; I don't want you organising that behind my back."

"I'd happily do it if it would help."

"No, it wouldn't! And it has nothing to do with a misplaced sense of obligation like my parents' house. They are where they are meant to be. It would be wrong to move them. It was what we could afford at the time and that's the way it was supposed to happen."

Tommy nodded and promised not to interfere. He looked at her two remaining flowers, a white zinnia and the rose, and must have frowned. "Come on," she said and started walking to the car.

Tommy followed puzzled. "Where are we going now?"

"To see Helen."

He stopped walking momentarily as he took in what she had said. He was not sure if he wanted to visit the grave but when he reached the car he dutifully drove up the hill. He looked around to orient himself, trying to remember where the plot was located. Oddly Barbara seemed to know and she headed purposefully across the immaculately green lawn with him five paces behind. She stopped at the marker which was far more ornate than those down the hill with a chiseled granite headstone with gold embossed lettering. Tommy had chosen 'Always remembered' but looking at it now he thought how pathetic and lazy his choice had been. It had seemed the right thing to say but he had promptly done his best to forget. Barbara squatted and replaced an old flower with the new white zinnia. "Look who I brought to see you today Helen, it's Tommy. I'll leave you to talk." She handed Tommy the rose and started to walk back to the car.

Lynley stared after her amazed that she visited Helen ever month, then turned back to the headstone. "Helen, I'm sorry. Sorry for not visiting. Sorry for everything." He started talking, releasing feelings and thoughts he had struggled to articulate. It was like old times, before they had married, when they had been friends and he could tell her his deepest secrets. He knew he was crying but it was different to the tears he had shed before. These were genuine and not for him but for her. A sense of sadness gave way to an inner peace. He placed the rose against the base of the headstone then let his hand linger on the stone before he turned and walked away. He doubted he would ever come back but he was grateful Barbara had brought him today.

She was waiting by the car, her hands thrust deep in her pockets and her face turned away from the rain. "Thank you Barbara. She really is dead isn't she."

"In one sense Sir but Helen won't be dead while ever you live. People are only truly dead when the last person speaks their name. Until then they're alive in our hearts and memories." She smiled sympathetically at him and he extended his arms inviting her to hug him. She obliged without hesitation and held him. He knew she understood.


	4. Chapter 4

The mid-afternooon drizzle became heavier as they drove back into the heart of the city dashing Tommy's plans for a stroll along the river. After the unexpected emotion of the afternoon he wanted time to clear his head but still have an excuse to spend time with Barbara. He did not wish to be alone with his thoughts just yet. She started to laugh. "What's so funny?" he asked puzzled.

"I was just thinking we ended up having a conversation about religion after all. Two taboos in two days."

"Yes," he said with a smirk, "you know what that means!"

"Oh no, there's no way we're ever going to have that conversation!"

"Indeed." They both laughed, slightly embarrassed at the idea of discussing sex in any way that was not related to a case.

"I think it's going to be a wet night," she remarked as they got closer to Belgravia.

"Well we could always listen to Turandot and then get a curry for dinner," he suggested. He had not even attempted to drive to her flat but she had not seemed to notice or object.

"Yeah that sounds …" She was interrupted by the buzz of her phone. "Havers." She listened attentively as Tommy glanced over. He recognised the tone of her voice and sighed. There would be no opera tonight; someone somewhere had committed a crime. He knew it had been too good to last. "Nah, it's okay I'll ring him. We should be there in about thirty minutes."

"Address?"

"Lewisham Sir. Body of a young woman in a flat above the shops in Lewis Grove. Lafferty thinks she was murdered with her iron."

"Her iron?"

"Yeah, that's what the constable said. I presumed she was bashed with it."

The woman had in fact been tied to a chair and burned with the iron in a gruesome act of torture which Tommy presumed might have been an attempt to extract information. The investigation at the scene took them well into the early hours and the hectic pace continued for the next few days with neither of them getting much sleep or having time to talk to each other about anything other than the case. The crime turned out to be drug related and by late Friday afternoon they had arrested the murderer and most of the syndicate, much to the pleasure of AC Hillier whose interview on the nightly news had given Britain the impression that single-handedly he had foiled the greatest threat to London since Jack the Ripper.

The paperwork could wait until Monday and Lynley had joined Winston and Barbara for a drink at the local pub. They had a pint then decided to call it quits. Everyone was exhausted and Tommy insisted on driving Barbara home. "What plans do you have for tomorrow Barbara?" Tommy asked as he drove into her street.

"Washing; no ironing though, that seems to be too dangerous these days; then nothing much."

Tommy frowned at her poor humour and she smiled contritely. "Dame Joan is still waiting for you."

"Who? Oh, yeah we could do that. Do you prefer opera and then that curry you promised me or curry first?"

"Trust you to think of food Barbara when you have some of the world's finest music to listen to," he said in mock exasperation.

"Right. Opera first then the curry if it pleases your Lordship. What if I come over around two?"

"Perfect. I'll look forward to it. Good night Barbara."

"Night Sir." He watched until she was safely inside her flat then drove home disproportionally pleased that he would see her tomorrow. He was beginning to worry that he was becoming reliant on Barbara's company to feel happy and his mother's warning rang in his ears. It was too late to change tomorrow but maybe he should consider seeing her less out of hours but then again they were both alone and they were just friends. It was not as if he was falling in love with her.

* * *

Barbara arrived ten minutes early and as they sat in his lounge room Tommy thought it was a strange time to listen to opera. "Do you mind if I close the curtains Barbara? Daylight seems to ruin the mood."

"No," she said watching him closely, "would you rather listen tonight after curry if the mood is important?"

Tommy smiled at her. "Yes actually I would prefer that but now I have brought you over here under false pretences."

"We could always go into the station and do our paperwork."

Tommy looked at her horrified. "I'm sure in the world renowned city of London we can find something both of us would prefer to do on a Saturday afternoon than fill out forms!" He noticed a small glint in her eye that warned him he might not like the answer to his next question. "What do you have in mind Sergeant?" he asked mischievously.

"There is something I've never done but always wanted to do."

He opened his hands and shrugged. "Well you will never do it if you don't tell me what it is."

"It's a bit touristy," she said sheepishly.

"Barbara!"

"I'd like to catch a boat down the river to Greenwich."

Tommy smiled and started to laugh. "Is that all? I thought you might want me to take me on one of those themed walking tours that you see all the time now; Jack the Ripper, Harry Potter, Dr Who."

Barbara grinned at him. "For someone who claims not to like them you seem to know a lot about them."

He looked at her and screwed up his face. "I presume you mean a regular boat and not one of those jet things that they have screaming up and down the river these days?"

"Oh do they? That could be fun." Barbara laughed when his face fell. "No, a regular old tourist boat would be fine Sir."

Both of them realised they had no idea where they left from or how to get tickets so Tommy checked the internet and came back into the room triumphant. 'All set. Get your coat and we'll be off." He was strangely excited.

As soon as they boarded Barbara headed straight for the open deck at the top at the stern of the boat. "It'll be very windy here," Tommy told her when he caught up.

"Yes Dad! Really Sir, if it gets too cold we can go inside."

Her hair was flying in a thousand directions in the wind and her coat was hanging oddly off one shoulder but as Tommy watched her almost childlike excitement he thought she was the most exciting and interesting woman he had ever met. She was an enigma and he often failed completely to understand her but at other times it was as if their minds were one. She could be as prickly as a cactus and then surprise him with incredible tenderness. Who would have thought she would have visited Helen regularly or that she would ever have had him talking to headstones let alone catching a tourist boat down the Thames. She had her back to him as she leant on the railing watching the wake of the boat and the Houses of Parliament slipping behind them. He pulled her coat back onto her shoulder and allowed his arm to hang there as he hugged her gently to him. She looked up and smiled and for a split second he saw past the green of her eyes into a confusion of emotion that matched his own. He dropped his arm and pointed out buildings on the southern bank.

All the way down the river they chatted about the landmarks. The commentary that crackled over the loudspeakers was informative and Tommy added tales from his own knowledge of history. He was surprised at how interested she was and how much she knew about famous crimes scenes along the river. He had expected her to tell him to shut up and just enjoy the view. Greenwich came too soon and they decided to take a walk rather than catch the boat straight back. Tommy told Barbara the history of Greenwich as a royal palace and then as a naval academy and hospital. It was too late to do justice to the museum but he found himself promising to bring her back one weekend.

"I'll keep you to that Sir."

"Do you have to call me Sir when we're out like this? Can't I be Tommy after all these years?"

Barbara looked at him as if she was trying to decide on the fate of world peace. "Sorry Sir, I don't think I can."

"Why not, you called Fiona Knight by her name almost from day one. Is it because I'm a man?"

"No, it's because you are...you."

Tommy shook his head and said nothing but he was annoyed. What sort of answer was that. He should never have asked and now it threatened to ruin their day. He inhaled and then said quietly, "one day you will just because I am me."

On the return journey she snared a spot in the corner of the rail on the back deck away from the crowds of families all trying to take photos near the ensign that flew proudly from a pole at the centre of the rail. Tommy imagined tourists like the red and white flag with the Union Jack in the corner in their photos as a quintessential snapshot of Britain. She seemed amused at the young children running around dodging between the seats to avoid the reaching arms of their parents. "I think I was about their age the last time I did this," Tommy said wistfully.

"We never did much of this stuff. I had a few school trips I think but Mum and Dad never took us many places."

"Really? That's a pity, there is so much to see here. I guess you have taken yourself over the years."

"Nah, it's not much fun alone wandering around. People see stuff when they go as kids or when they take their own but otherwise no one bothers much."

"That's such a waste."

"So you do all this stuff on your weekends do you?"

"Well no actually," Tommy replied looking down, "I suppose I was waiting to take my kids."

"Yeah, that's what people do. They probably get tired and hate the day, like that pair over there chasing their three brats, but later on they look back on it and remember the good bits. Then they have memories they can cherish."

Her sadness was almost palpable and Tommy moved behind her and slid his hands along the rails so that his arms rested tightly against her waist. He kissed the top of her head lightly then rested his head on hers. "We're creating memories right now that we can cherish too." She did not respond but he sensed her shift back against him as they both watched the river.


	5. Chapter 5

"It's multicultural!"

"Yes I suppose it is," Tommy replied highly amused. "Sitting in England eating Indian food about to listen to an Italian opera set in China is about as multi-cultural as it gets but let's eat first then I can explain it better as it plays."

"Tell me you are not going to translate every line."

"Why? Don't you think my Italian is good enough?" He raised his eyebrow at her as if to challenge him.

"No, I'm sure it is but it will take forever and I'll miss the flow of the music." Her smile was beguiling and he could almost believe her. They had picked up their curry on the way back from the river. Tommy had enjoyed his afternoon and now looked forward to the evening. He could relax with Barbara in a way he could never do with anyone else, even Helen. He pushed those thoughts aside. There was no point trying to understand it, he should just focus on being in the moment.

He put the CD in the player and was about to sit next to her on the couch. He remembered his impulse when he played the aria and decided to move to the chair. "The first Act is set outside the gates of the Forbidden City in Peking, or Beijing as we call it today. The daughter of the Emperor, a princess called Turandot, is very beautiful and of marriageable age but she hates men and so has set three riddles that any suitor must answer before they can marry her."

"Was she a lesbian?"

Tommy started to laugh so hard it hurt. "No, no she wasn't. I'm sorry that's a perfectly legitimate question but..."

"But it shows the difference between Acton and Eton! See I knew this was a mistake." Barbara sounded frustrated and looked like she was about to run.

Tommy moved over to sit next to her and put his hand on her arm. "No, it's not. I like the way you see things with such refreshing honesty and without pretention. I think you'll really like the opera. I want to share it with you." He had no idea why but this opera had taken on new importance to him well beyond making sure she was not uncomfortable on the night.

"I still think you'll regret this. It's not too late to change your mind and take someone more suitable."

"There is no one more suitable Barbara," he said sincerely. She looked at him and nodded. "Anyway back to the story. An official makes a proclamation telling prospective husbands about the riddles. The Prince of Persia has failed and at nightfall will be executed. The crowd want blood. There is an old man in the crowd called Timur who is actually a deposed king from Tartary which is now under the rule of the Chinese. He has his servant, well actually a slave, called Lui, with him. He falls and she cries for help and a man from the crowd steps forward. It is Calef, the man's long lost son. Both men are afraid to reveal their identities and swear to keep Calef's name secret. Lui knows but Timur trusts her and Lui tells Calef she had been faithful because he had once smiled at her. Here listen." He played the music. "That's the official...that's Timur...and Lui...and Calef, he was the one singing the aria."

"Yeah, you can hear it in their tone can't you? Even when you don't understand the words."

"And on stage it is even better because they act it out."

"Like a musical."

"Yes, just like a musical. Opera is the early form of musicals really."

"You mean musicals for posh people."

"Lot's of different people enjoy opera Barbara." Tommy was annoyed that everything came down to class with her.

"No one from Acton that I knew did."

He grimaced behind her back but did not bite. He paused the music and continued the story. "The Persian Prince arrives and he is so beautiful that the crowd cry for compassion but Princess Turandot orders his execution. Calef instantly falls in love with her and decides to marry her. Everyone urges him not to but he rushes to the gong that anyone wanting to enter the contest has to hit three times. Her ministers Ping, Pong and Pang..."

"Ping, Pong and Pang!" Now it was Barbara's turn to laugh and Tommy laughed with her. He had not thought it was funny until she said it that way and again he had an inextricable desire to hold her close to him. Instead he decided to tickle her. Barbara squealed with surprise then wriggled around trying to stop him and both of them laughed even harder. She was facing away from him when he relented. He leant his head over the shoulder feeling the warmth of her body through the thin cotton of his shirt. "Are you going to behave now?" He turned it into a joke but what he felt when his face had brushed against hers was far from funny. He sat back to focus on the story.

"Anyway her ministers, who shall remain unnamed, try desperately to dissuade Calef not to lose his head for love but he persists and rings the gong and Turandot accepts his challenge and that is the end of Act 1."

"A bit unrealistic isn't it? That he thinks he's in love with her after seeing her at a distance."

"You don't believe in love at first sight Barbara?"

"Lust, most definitely but not love! That takes longer surely."

She was looking at him closely and he felt oddly exposed. Was she saying she had lusted after him? "I am not exactly an expert in that field."

"Oh, I don't know. I've seen you lust after a few people in your time."

"I do not lust Barbara," he asserted indignantly.

"So what do your lot call it then?" Tommy had no escape and laughed. "Do you want me to tickle you again?" he asked holding his hands up and wiggling his fingers threateningly.

"No! I'll behave." They were looking directly at each other and for the second time that day he had that unnerving feeling that she was experiencing exactly the same conflicted feelings he had running around inside him. This time she blushed and looked away. _She's your friend Tommy! Don't spoil it like you did with Helen._

"Good. Now listen." Despite his uncertainties he did not move away and as he listened he focused on the energy radiating from her. At the beginning of the second act he paused the music again. "Ping, Pong and Pang hate Turandot and reminisce about life before her and tell us about her failed suitors. Then they hear the trumpets and everyone gathers for Calef's attempts. I'll stop it when he starts the challenge." He watched Barbara listening so carefully to the music. He knew she liked to sing and liked modern music that he thought sounds like wailing banshees but he was pleased she had forgotten her class issues long enough to appreciate the music.

"Now even the Emperor Altoum tells Calef not to attempt it but he refuses. Then Turandot comes out and sings about her ancestor Lou-ling who was murdered by a conquering Prince. This is why she has decreed that no man shall posses her."

"Until she finds the right man to melt her ice." Barbara said and looked at Tommy in such a way that he had to stand and walk away otherwise he would have kissed her.

He poured them both a drink while he regained his composure. He had not expected to feel that way and he had not expect Barbara to identify with Turandot. He passed her the drink and sat down on the chair to avoid temptation. "Yes, that is exactly what Puccini intended to show," he said and he spoke over the music, "this is the first question 'What is born each night and dies at dawn?' and Calef answers 'Hope'."

"Yeah, that's so true." Barbara was looking at him enthralled and seemed mercifully oblivious to his earlier reaction.

"So Turandot asks her next riddle: 'What flickers red and is warm like a flame, yet is not fire?' and he replies 'Blood'.

"Nah, he would never have said that if he worked in our job."

"Well Puccini thought it was true," Lynley said trying not to laugh. "Anyway Turandot becomes concerned that he might have the answer and asks her final question, 'What is the ice that makes you burn?' And Calef says..."

"You!" Barbara cried shocking Tommy.

"Yes. He sings her name and she starts to plead with her father not to allow the marriage but he refuses. Calef, sensing her distress sets his own challenge. If she can tell him his name by morning he will die otherwise he will marry her."

"Why on Earth would he do that?" she asked disbelievingly, "but this is where you played me the soccer song last week."

"Yes but it is not the 'soccer song' it is called Nessun Dorma." Tommy started the CD again and noticed that Barbara had closed her eyes and was listening carefully to Pavarotti's voice. He wondered if she remembered the words.

"The three P's try to persuade him to withdraw his bargain thinking that Turandot will kill everyone in the city if she can't discover his name, but he refuses. The people threaten Calef and he tries to tell them that only he knows his name but then the soldiers capture Timur and Lui. Lui tries to save Timur by telling Turandot that only she knows his name. The Princess orders her to be tortured but Lui says nothing. Turandot can't understand her loyalty and asks how she can withstand and Lui replies 'Love' and tells her one day she will also learn about love. Turandot then orders her to be punished even more and Lui thinks that Calef might step in and be killed so she seizes a dagger and stabs herself. She dies and the crowd carry her away."

Tommy stopped his story when Barbara stood and turned away from him. He went to her but she would not look at him. "What's wrong Barbara?" He lifted her chin and smiled at her but when he saw her tears he put his arms around her and held her. "It's only a story Barbara." He had never seen anyone so affected by an opera but it was endearing.

She broke from his arms and knuckled her eyes. He could tell she was embarrassed. "I'm sorry Sir, that is so sad. So Lui is really the heroine."

"Well no, she's not supposed to be but a lot of people don't like the ending."

"How does it end?" she asked in a low voice.

"Well only Calef and Turnadot are left on stage and he accuses her of being the Princess of Death but kisses her. She resists at first but then begins to cry and admits that since he came she both hated and loved him. She orders him to go but he tells her his name putting him and his father at risk of death. The last scene is the next morning and she tells the Emperor and the crowd that the stranger's name is 'Love'."

"No, that's a crappy ending Sir," she said angrily, "that's not love just because he's good in bed. Lui truly loved him and gave up her life for him but he failed to see it and ran after a pretty face, one that might think she loves him but will never love him the way he needs to be loved. She's too selfish." The look in her eyes told him everything.

"I'm so sorry Barbara," he said understanding he was looking at his own Lui. As he watched her standing next to him he wanted to re-write the opera right here but it would only prove her point. He had no idea what he felt any more and he did not trust any of it to be real. Maybe it was the first riddle; hope that would fade by morning.

Her response brought him back to the moment. "Sir...Sir?"

"Sorry."

"You said that. I said you didn't write it, it's not your fault."

She was smiling and so he tried hard to laugh it off. "Yes sorry. You know Puccini based Lui on his housemaid called Doreen who had killed herself after his wife constantly accused her of having an affair with the composer. Subsequently it was proved that she died a virgin."

"Doreen? You're making that up. Italian housemaids are not called Doreen."

Tommy grinned foolishly. "No, no it wasn't Doreen it was Doria or something like that."

"Did she love him like that?"

"I've no idea."_ Do you love me like that?_

"If she didn't, it's not the same thing."

"You're an incredibly perceptive woman Barbara."

"That's why I'm your partner." Tommy tilted his head on the side, questioning her response. "Because sometimes you're not."

He teetered between saying something or ignoring it. "Come on, I'll drive you home."


	6. Chapter 6

**Author's note:** Although I am not fond of the books I have borrowed a bit of Lynley's backstory from them for this chapter. Those who have read the books with recognise it.

* * *

The bed sheets were hot and clammy and there was no position he could lie in that gave him respite from his restlessness. Tommy sat up and checked his clock. Four o'clock! It was barely half an hour since he had last looked. Disgusted, he decided to shower and dress; it was not as if there was any possibility of rest. The steamy water was soothing on his aching muscles but there was nothing he could think of that would calm his agitated mind. After he had dropped Barbara at home last night Tommy had been tempted to finish his whiskey. He had uncorked and re-corked the bottle three times before leaving it and going to bed. Opening it would only have made things worse but at least drunk he might have been able to sleep.

He wandered downstairs and ground the beans for his espresso. The staccato whirr of the grinder drilled into his head reminding him of how his mind was spinning and his thoughts were dissolving to dust. Confusion, isolation and despair threatened. He took his coffee into the lounge and stood by the window staring out at the pinpricks of light that shone in the night sky. Many more stars were visible from Howenstowe and he wished that he was there. 'It's a very dark place on the back of the moon' were words he remembered from a book about astronomy that his father had once given him. As a boy he had been sceptical that what he could see may not exist. His father had explained how long it took for light to travel but it went against his intuition to believe that he was looking thousands of years into the past. Now he struggled to look a day into the past with the same clarity. He may as well be on the back of the moon.

Tommy ran his hand through his hair despondently. Her words kept running through his mind. _Lui truly loved him and gave up her life for him but he failed to see it and ran after a pretty face, one that might think she loves him but will never love him the way he needs to be loved._ Every word cut into him. Barbara had not said it that way and possibly did not even recognise it but he had suddenly seen with frightening lucidity that she was his Lui; her loyal slave to his unseeing Calef. _Was that why she was so upset?_ _Had she understood it too?_

As Tommy had held her in his arms he had wanted to kiss her so badly it burned but his mother's words came back to him. He knew he had hurt her so many times over the years but she had always been there to pick up the pieces. She would bounce back and forgive him after every one of his 'pretty faces' or silly indiscretions. He had abused her friendship and her love by expecting that whatever he did she would always be there, a steady hand to lean on. He did not deserve her loyalty but if she had been in love with him all that time it was even worse. He had sensed it of course but he had chosen to ignore it because of his own selfish needs, secure in the knowledge she would always be there waiting. Tommy had justified it by telling himself that he would always be there for her too, and he had been, more or less. They had felt the same so it was all balanced. It probably was, but he had not realised at the time what he felt for her was love, and love was not what he thought it to be.

But last night he had wanted her to understand how sorry he was; how he appreciated at last what she had sacrificed for him. He remembered how he had wanted to scream that it was not the end, they could re-write the story but he had no guarantee she even really felt that way; it might just be his wishful thinking or his ego. He had been too scared of the truth to find out. Tommy had tried to ask for forgiveness but she had thought he was apologising for the opera not his own actions. He could not articulate his revelation and had tried to laugh it off. He was a fool and a coward.

He wanted to turn up on her doorstep and talk to her about everything but the last thing he should do now was tell her his real thoughts, how he desired her more than he had wanted any other woman. It was not lust he was sure but did he love her in the way she deserved? Even now, hours later, he had no idea whether he was supplementing his genuine love for Barbara as his friend with one of the deceptive infatuations to which he was prone. He did not trust any of it to be real although he wanted it to be true. He wanted to be in love with her and he wanted her to be in love with him. There was a passion that he had glimpsed at times behind her façade and he had envied the man who would unleash it. She would love with the fierceness that he had always thought people should share; the type of devotion and protectiveness that he wanted to give but that Deborah had found smothering and Helen had thought was weakness.

Barbara had looked for love in all the wrong places but he was hardly the right fit either. She would never get over her class issues or believe that he had finally found in her what he needed from love. At best they would probably have a short and vigorous affair that would end with both of them retreating, mortally wounded, further into themselves and away from the world. He could not do that to himself again and he could not bear the thought of doing it to her. They had already started to draw closer. Yesterday standing on the boat had been a perfect moment that even now made him tremble at power of the memory. If he continued to see her away from the office he knew he would convince himself that it would work out but he was also sure it would doom them to spiral into misery. Sitting alone on the couch where she had sat last night Tommy decided that he should not, could not, allow himself to fall in love with Barbara. The despair descended.

Morning was creeping insidiously through the curtains and he rubbed his hands over his face endeavouring to wipe away his exhaustion. He had not shaved and he knew he was dishevelled. He rose and went for a shave and another shower. As he lathered his face and began to scrape the blade across his skin Lynley caught a glimpse of his eyes in the mirror. The razor stopped as he stared. It was as if he was looking into his own soul; an essence that was barely subsisting. He thought of Barbara and the life returned to his eyes. He could not decide not to love Barbara, he already did love her. _Was that so hard to admit? _He knew, despite his logic and resolve he was not going to permit fear to win. What if he was Barbara's only hope of happiness? She had risked and sacrificed so much for him over time, now he needed to risk his happiness for her but he would not rush in with his usual over-enthusiasm. This time he would let it lead where it will.

Showered and refreshed Tommy had a sense of purpose and calmness that belied his sleepless night. He waited nervously until seven o'clock then dialled her number. A familiar but tired voice answered, "Havers."

"Good morning Barbara."

"Oh, good morning Sir. You're up early for a Sunday."

"I wanted to catch you before you started any activities."

"Activities? It's seven o'clock on a Sunday morning. I'm not normally out of bed let alone thinking of 'activities'."

"I was wondering if you might like to accompany me on an excursion to the countryside today." He tried to sound casual and mysterious.

"Like a school excursion Sir?" He could tell she was amused by his tone.

He relaxed and grinned at the phone. "No, more like a picnic."

"A picnic? Do your lot still do that?"

Tommy was not sure if he should be offended or not. "Yes. I hardly think it's as mid-Victorian as you make it sound Havers. Anyway if you have other plans or it is not a suitable activity I understand."

He heard her trying to suppress a laugh. He knew he had sounded pompous. "No Sir, it actually sounds nice. Do you want me to get anything?"

The excitement showed in his voice. "No, I'll arrange everything. Can I pick you up around ten?"

"Sure. I'll look forward to it. See you then." She hung up and Tommy smiled to himself, happy that he had overcome his stupidity of the morning but glad he had thought through it.

The day sparkled. There was still a wintery nip to the air which made the warmth of the sun on Tommy's skin seem more potent. Puffy white clouds floated carelessly across the bright cerulean sky and the smallest leaves of the large evergreen trees by the river seemed to shimmer in the lightest of breezes. They contrasted with the exposed weeping branches of the willows on the little islands in the water. Tommy thought it was beautiful and decided he would bring Barbara back here in spring when they could cocoon themselves under the willows and make love in the grass.

"Sir!"

"What?"

"You're drifting all over the road. Is everything alright?" Barbara was staring at him with a mixture of concern and confusion.

"Yeah, sorry I was distracted by the trees," Tommy confessed.

"Well as long as you're not distracted into the trees!"

He parked near a small isolated boatshed and pulled a large cooler bag and a rug from his boot. He undid the boatshed lock and pulled out a rowboat. "You're kidding me," Barbara exclaimed and started to laugh. "Don't tell me you own this?"

"No, of course not. It belongs to a friend. We used to come down here when we were at Oxford together."

"Oh a lady friend. I see." Barbara was smirking.

"No, as a matter of fact it was a male friend," he said as he dragged the boat to the bank.

"Yes, well you know the reputation you public school boys have!"

"Barbara! Please. Contrary to popular belief it is no more widespread there than at any other institution and I certainly have never engaged in anything like that."

Barbara was laughing at him. "Well it's good to know that you did not lose your virginity at Eton."

Tommy felt his face redden and Barbara was looking at him far too closely for comfort. "It depends on your definition."

"Really? Do tell Sir." Her inquisitiveness amused him but he was not going to give too much away.

"No, I will not but suffice it to say it was an older woman."

"How much older?" she asked as he was loading the boat.

Tommy gave in. It was clear she would slowly interrogate him until he told her and surprisingly he did not mind. "She was the mother of a friend. It happened on half break in my final block and continued for about a year." Tommy looked nostalgic. "It was a very valuable experience. It's best if you sit here. Do you want a hand?"

Barbara sat down and looked decidedly uncomfortable and Tommy assumed she was unused to boats. He started to row slowly into the middle of the river before stretching his stroke into an even rhythm to counter the current. "I'm sorry," she said contritely, "I thought it would be more like my clumsy drunken experience. I didn't mean to pry."

"It's fine Barbara but you do realise something don't you?" he asked her with a broad cheeky grin on his face.

"No, what?" She looked puzzled.

"We have just discussed the third taboo, the one you said would never happen!" Barbara blushed but did not drop her gaze. They were looking closely at each other, separated only by the two foot gap between the benches they sat on. She looked beautiful as her hair caught the light. Tommy stopped rowing temporarily and gave her one of his most genuine smiles that said so much more than words ever could.

"A lot's changed since last week, hasn't it Sir?"

"For both of us."


	7. Chapter 7

Even over the clinking of Tommy's oars in their rowlocks the river was not silent; birds sang in the trees, the breeze rustled the leaves and the water burbled over the stony bank that tapered up to the grassy meadows. The other bank was steeper and as the wash from their boat rippled out to it the reflected sky was broken into rings of silvery blue. It was tranquil and unspoiled. Barbara was watching it all, trialling her hands in the water behind the boat to create swirling patterns in their wake. "It makes you think how busy the city is when you're out here doesn't it Sir."

"Yes. It amazes me this is so close. It is a totally different world."

"Do you miss it? The country I mean."

"At times like this, yes I do. It was my choice though; I think I would have gone mad living on the estate all my life."

"One day you'll go back yeah?"

Tommy was not sure there was a good answer for this question. If he said yes Barbara would assume that she would never fit in so was not part of his future plans but if he said no then she would know he was not being truthful. "I'll certainly spend more time there as I get older but whether or not I ever live there will depend on circumstances."

Barbara smiled at him without betraying her thoughts. "Like what?"

"How Mother is, whether or not I'm married and what any children might be doing, what my wife wants to do, whether I can walk away from the Met. It will be a complex decision." _Where you want to live!_

"You talked about what others want to do but not what you want to do, except for the job. You shouldn't make that your life Sir."

"It's not. Well, it's a big part of my life I suppose but there are other things keeping me in London."

"From what I see it's your only life. You're even spending weekends with me instead of your friends. You should get out there and start looking for the other things you need Sir," she said thoughtfully,"

This was tricky ground to navigate across without some ill-timed declaration of undying love. "Firstly you are my friend and I _want_ to spend my time with you. Secondly I have everything I need right now. I'm not sure that my needs have actually changed much but I certainly understand what I need much better now than I did before Helen died." They continued in silence but Tommy never took his eyes from her trying to look for any signs about what she was thinking. She was frowning slightly but when she saw him looking at her she smiled broadly and his heart pounded.

It was another ten minutes before he pulled the boat into the muddy shore of a little island in a slower section of the river. He held her hand to help Barbara out but she pulled away from him and walked up the bank as he dragged the boat onto the grass. "I never knew these islands existed."

"They're called eyots and they're dotted along the river. Downstream some of them are big enough for people to live on but today we have this one all to ourselves." The island was narrow, perhaps only ten metres, and about twice as long. Small willows draped their naked branches across the water at the far end but the higher end was dominated by a single ash tree. Tommy spread his rug under the branches where the sun was muted. "Hungry?"

Barbara had been looking out at the river but at the mention of food turned and smiled. "It depends. I suppose you bought some fancy hamper full of food no one actually eats."

"Then you suppose wrong," he replied smugly as he pulled ham and mustard sandwiches and a box of chicken pieces and salad from the bag. She nodded approvingly and sat down next to him, the food spread in front of them. When he pulled out two bottles of beer and waved them in front of her the pleasure in her eyes sent a tingle down his spine.

"I pictured you more as a wicker basket Sir, rather than a cooler bag."

He liked the way she was grinning cheekily at him. He opened a beer and moved closer to Barbara as he handed it to her. They were not quite touching but he was leaning on his left hand which he had placed strategically on the rug behind her back. The temptation to take her in his arms and kiss her was almost irresistible so he took a deep breath then picked up some chicken and settled for looking at her. She had an innocence about her that was decidedly loveable. Most women he knew would have been acutely aware of his intentions and would be playing the game demanded of them by encouraging him while trying to seem unaware. With Barbara her honest reactions meant that he did not have to perform a ritual, they could just relax and enjoy each other's company without expectations. Not knowing how things would turn out was much more fun.

"I didn't realise I had taken on the physical characteristics of my picnic basket but if you must know my wicker picnic set is at Howenstowe so I had to make do." He was teasing her but he could tell she was not sure whether he was serious or not. He leaned in close to her and said, "when we go down there for Easter I will give you the full nineteenth century picnic experience if you like."

Easter was the week after the opera and until that very minute Tommy had not thought about what he would do with the four day break but he was happy that his subconscious had clearly resolved the issue for him. He could not help but be amused by the startled look on her face. They were so close he could feel her breath on his face. Her eyes changed quickly and seemed to echo her thoughts; he saw confusion, desire then disbelief. She recovered quickly and said offhandedly, "what if I have plans for Easter?" Barbara bit into a piece of chicken that she had snatched greedily from the box and Tommy had missed his chance to kiss her.

Her eyes were animated and mischievous but as Tommy looked at her seriously he saw Barbara squirm a little under his gaze. He did not want her to be unnerved but he wanted her to understand that he intended for their relationship to grow. "Change them," he said in a tone that in other circumstances would have been an order, "I want you to spend Easter with me."

Tommy bent his head towards her intending to kiss her but she blushed then frowned at him so he pretended to reach past her for some salad. "We'll see," she said in a tone that he knew meant he should not press her further. He realised that she either did not understand what was happening between them or was not able to accept it. He could wait.

They devoured the sandwiches and chicken quickly as they chatted about inconsequential things. "Did you have enough Barbara?" Tommy asked worried he had under-catered.

"Oh yes thanks Sir. I must admit it was good. I couldn't fit another thing in."

Tommy pulled two pieces of a richly iced chocolate cake from the bag. "That's a shame. I'll have to eat them both myself then."

"No! We don't want you putting on too much weight Sir. I'll have to help you I think." Her hand reached out and took a slice before he could dare demur.

"Hmm, it's good," she said through a mouthful of cake.

"It's opera cake," Tommy chuckled, "I thought it was appropriate." They both started to laugh.

Tommy packed away their rubbish then lay back on the rug, his hands clasped behind his head as a pillow. He watched the patterns in the clouds, enjoying the easy companionship but wondering if he was ever going to convince her that they could be, and in fact were already, so much more than friends. Initially Barbara had sat next to him hugging her knees to her chest and surveying the river but eventually she had lain down next to him while they tried to spot different shapes in the clouds. Tommy was searching for the horse she claimed to have spotted when she suddenly spoke. "I will come at Easter. I didn't really have plans."

He leant up on his elbow and turned to face her thinking now might be the right time to kiss her but the expression on her face was anxious and fearful so he stopped himself from touching her. "Excellent." He smiled reassuringly as he watched her and her tension seemed to fade. "Come on it's about time we headed back to civilisation." He stood and helped her to her feet. They were standing so close that he was worried he would rush in and do something they might both regret so he put his arm around her shoulder and gave it a quick squeeze, a gesture of affection he had shown her many times before.

They pushed the boat back into the river. Tommy offered his hand to help her back into the boat when Barbara turned to him and asked, "will you teach me to row?"

He gave her a bemused frown before one eyebrow tilted up doubtfully. "And when we capsize how will we explain to Hillier that we both dropped our phones into the water on the same day?"

"Easy," she retorted punching his arm, "I'll tell him you are a lousy teacher!"

"Ow! All right hop in and shuffle over to the edge. We'll do one oar each to start."

Tommy sat next to her carefully to make sure the boat stayed steady. "Okay, hold you oar like this." His oar was out of the water with the blade parallel to the surface. "Now lean forward keeping you oar out of the water...that's it...now twist your wrist back so the blade is perpendicular and drop it into the water as you lean backwards to about forty-five degrees." He watched her carefully. "Now lift the oar out of the water and twist your wrist forward...lean forward...twist back...drop...lean back...try to keep your arms straight Barbara...lift...shoulders square, twist forward...lean forward...twist...other way...drop...try to fall backwards rather than use so much energy...better...see your getting the hang of it now."

The boat was slewing across the river even though Tommy tried to match her uneven strokes. He rested his oar above the water and pulled it into the boat while he put his left arm around Barbara's waist and his right over her hand at the end of the oar. "Here like this." He guided her through the motion several times struggling to maintain focus on rowing. Now would be his perfect chance to kiss her but he could not do it. He wanted to but he was scared, not only of her reaction but where it might lead. He had seen the same fear in her eyes earlier. This would change their friendship forever and he understood her concern. They had to know they were both sure.

"It's harder than it looks isn't it?" he said as he resumed rowing.

"Yeah much, but I think the rhythm is relaxing."

The boat continued to lurch drunkenly down the river to the boatshed announcing its arrival with laughter from one or other or both. Tommy could tell Barbara was tired but she refused to give in. She had asked to do it and she would continue. It seemed her stubbornness applied to more than arguing with him. He had always admired her tenacity.

They secured that boat and Tommy reluctantly started to drive back to London while they discussed rowing techniques. She liked his story about his father teaching him to row but rolled her eyes at the mention of rowing for Eton. "Your bias is misplaced Barbara. Have you actually ever been to Eton?"

"No. I imagine it is a huge school in huge grounds full of rich kids in fancy jackets." Her tone bordered on querulous.

"Next Sunday," he said firmly, "after the opera we will go. Have you ever been to Windsor Castle?"

"No." She sounded mildly exasperated as if he was forcing her to move into his world instead of being willing to try to meet halfway and understand him more.

he fought hard not to sound bitter. "Good, you will enjoy the day then, learning new things and dropping some prejudices."

"Sir, I don't think we need to visit your old school. I saw enough of the snobbery and ridiculous moral codes at Bredgar Hall thank you and you're hardly going to want to see mine. Besides you will need to entertain your mother next week."

"She is staying with her new man at the hotel this time so no excuses. We _will_ go to Eton via Acton and compare schools."

"Waste of time. We both know how they'll compare."

"That's not the point. I want to learn about your experiences there and explain some of mine. I want you to understand that I don't view our relationship in the class terms you do. Anyway, let's not spoil a wonderful day by arguing. Do you want to stop off for a drink or dinner?"

"Yeah...no, not really."

Tommy was disappointed. "Because of this conversation?" he asked pointedly.

"No, I was going to go home and listen to Turandot again," she said clearly embarrassed, "I bought the CD."

He looked over and smiled at her the way he knew he only did when she touched his heart. "Well I have a copy too, we can listen together and I'll cook. I'd like that." he said softly.

She smiled and shook her head slightly from side to side in a sign of resignation and sighed. "Me too."

They stopped off to buy some crusty bread to go with the pasta that Tommy made. He was not overly hungry after lunch but was amazed at the amount Barbara could eat. She ate with a wolfish enthusiasm that mocked her small size. "Aren't you eating?" she asked.

He realised he had been staring at her and had not touched his meal. "Didn't you know we bluebloods always use the peasants as taste testers in case it is poisoned?" he said and laughed as he ducked a piece of flying bread.

He started the CD and sat on the couch his back leaning against the junction of the seat back and arm. Barbara was next to him with her feet pulled up onto the cushions staring at the stereo. Half way through the first act she started to roll her shoulders and rub her neck. "It's the rowing," he said as he sat up. "Here, let me." He put his hands on her shoulders and started to gently massage them. "You are supposed to relax not tense up," he said but he did not stop and she did not pull away. He could feel her slowly give in to the sensation as he kneaded her neck and the tightness around her collarbone. She sighed and he noticed her eyes were closed which seemed to make the moment more intimate. He continued until the end of the first act when he wrapped his arms around her and gently pulled her back into his chest as they listened contentedly. This was what he had always wanted love to feel like and now he had it he would never let it go.


	8. Chapter 8

He straightened his dinner jacket and bow-tie then rang the bell half expecting Barbara to have changed her mind and not answer. It was less than a minute before it swung open but to Tommy it seemed like an hour. He had been looking forward to tonight for three weeks and now that it had finally arrived he was as nervous as a teenager about to take a girl to their first dance. It was not the social occasion that worried him but the importance he knew Barbara placed on fitting in and being accepted. A bad experience might very well end his chance of happiness before it had begun. The door creaked open slowly and Barbara stood there looking embarrassed. Tommy was dumbstruck but a huge smile erupted across his face. "You look beautiful! Absolutely perfect."

"Thank you Sir," she said sounding relieved, "you scrub up alright yourself." She smiled at him and he was unable to move. He just stood there smiling and staring.

He had expected her to wear the simple black dress she had worn to his engagement dinner. It was the only other time he had seen her in a dress and he remembered how it had unsettled him discovering how attractive Barbara was when she was not using clothes to try to appear invisible. Now she was dressed in a stylish but simple off the shoulder silk evening gown in a deep green that set off her hair and her eyes. The A line dress hugged her waist snugly then flared subtly to the floor. Her hair was pinned up in a way that he had never seen before and the sight of the pale skin of her neck and shoulder moved him in unexpected ways that tempted him to forget completely about the opera. He took a deep breath and extended his arm. "Shall we go?"

All day he had been impatient to see her. It had been the first day in three weeks that they had not spent together and he had missed her terribly. The week had gone quickly since they had fallen asleep together listening to Turandot when, despite the physical discomfort of the position, he had slept dreamlessly for the first time in months. She was gone when he woke; her warm body replaced by a note that had simply said 'thanks for a great day'. Although she had not meant it cruelly, leaving him had torn at his heart in ways he had not thought possible. He had believed he had been in love before but his feelings for Barbara were so different to those he had experienced that it confused him. He understood the burning desire of lust that had sustained him through many nights of empty passion. He also understood the attraction of a specific woman's personality that rounded out lust into a more sustainable form. Yet with Barbara it was backwards. He was committed to her in ways that almost defied physical need. There was a sense of completion and concord when he was with Barbara. Even when they argued he was alive and engaged and wanted to be with her. He craved the intimacy and shared confidences of their friendship and his wish to make love to her had been more about the connection of their minds than their bodies. Until tonight! Seeing her standing there had ignited a yearning that was most definitely physical but which went so much further.

He needed to convince her quickly that he did love her and would love her with all his heart for eternity. To his ever-practical Havers he knew that would sound soppy; it would take more than romantic words and gestures to prove that she was not an infatuation that would pass with time and that a relationship with him was worth risking their friendship. He was still thinking about what to say as he helped her into the taxi and climbed in beside her. He sat watching her, transfixed. He could not help himself; looking at her made him feel young and carefree. "You should wear your hair like that more often. It suits you. You really do look stunning Barbara. I'll have to fight off all the men at the opera house."

Barbara dropped her gaze. "Thanks Sir. The lady at the shop said it was suitable. I hoped you'd like it. I didn't want to embarrass you or your mother."

Tommy took her hand in both of his and made sure she was looking at him. "You could never embarrass me. You and I have something special Barbara, we always have, and it transcends all the petty social constraints that society wants to place on people. We can argue as much as we like between ourselves but if anyone else tries to put you down I will always support and protect you."

"I know Sir."

"So tell me about your day," he said noticing that her face was red and she was uncomfortable with the conversation. They chatted about her hair appointment and her nerves getting dressed then about his lunch with his mother and Judith and their new beaus. Before long the taxi was pulling into the drive of the Royal Opera House at Covent Garden and Barbara stared up at the Baroque façade with a look of trepidation. Tommy helped her from the cab and quickly squeezed her hand encouragingly then escorted her inside to mingle with the other guests.

The fading light of the day refracted through the iron and glass façade of Paul Hamlyn Hall and seemed to spotlight the richly coloured gowns of the elegantly dressed women. Tommy felt Barbara grip his arm slightly tighter. "We'll find Mother and then I'll get you a drink," he said kindly.

"I had no idea it would be such a big event." Barbara was looking around nervously.

"Hmm, it's a performance for a charity we are involved with to help raise education standards in underprivileged communities in Cornwall. It attracts a lot of attention each year and raises a lot of money, which is good. You always see the social climbers here trying to impress and mixing with old money and those with a social conscience. Generally the more effusive the person and the louder the woman is dressed the less money in the family."

"Great. Sounds like a fun bunch. They'll pick me as a fake in seconds." Tommy rested his hand gently in the small of her back to reassure her but also to let others know exactly who she was accompanying.

"You're not a fake and besides dressed like that you look like you own all of England." He smiled at her warmly and she grinned back at him, her eyes soft and clearly fond of what they were viewing. They held each other's gaze to the exclusion of the world and Tommy wished he was not in a crowd. Her look was exactly what he wanted to see before he dared kiss her. The moment was broken as he was bumped from behind. As he looked up he spotted his mother coming towards them. "Let the games begin eh?" Barbara sighed and painted on a smile but it was one for the world, not one especially for him.

"Tommy!" his mother greeted him then smiled at Barbara as they did the traditional cheek to cheek social kiss. Tommy grinned at Barbara's awkwardness. "Barbara, it's so good to see you again and Tommy tells us you're coming down to Howenstowe next weekend."

"You too Lady Asherton. Yes, a small break from the city for Easter," she said carefully.

"Dorothy, please."

Barbara smiled. "Dorothy," she said acknowledging the invitation.

Just then a man came up behind Dorothy and shook Tommy's hand. "George this is my partner Barbara Havers, Barbara this is George Handlow, a friend of Mother's."

Barbara smiled and extended her hand. "Pleased to meet you George." They chatted politely about the good weather, the architecture of the building and the charity. The waitresses brought around drinks and Tommy noted that Barbara only accepted the orange juice. After a few minutes George and Dorothy excused themselves to find Judith and her new friend Matthew.

"Is that all it takes?" Tommy asked her playfully.

"What?"

He imitated his mother, "Tommy, please."

"No. I was only being polite Sir," she replied emphasising the last word.

"I didn't think it would be that easy. Are you sure you wouldn't like something other than orange juice?"

"I need my wits about me so I don't say anything too stupid." Tommy frowned at her admonishing her lack of confidence. "I might have one with dinner later," she added but he knew she was only trying to appease him.

Soon they were surrounded by old friends of Tommy's from school and Oxford as well as acquaintances from his life as a Lord. He tried hard to stay with Barbara and not leave her to the not so subtle interrogation of his friends but they were separated by throngs of gorgeous women flirting unashamedly with Tommy and his friends. He looked over anxiously and noticed her talking animatedly with the opera's director so he made his way back to her worried that she might be feeling intimidated.

"David," he said greeting the director, "I see you have met my partner Barbara."

"Yes, we were just discussing the alternative endings that could have been used and whether Puccini understood the difference between love and lust. I agree with Barbara that the infatuation portrayed is a shallow form of love. As she pointed out even Lui did not know Calef well enough to truly say she loved him. Anyway I need to prepare. It was a pleasure Barbara. I hope to see you again and we can discuss some of the other great works." David bowed and left leaving Barbara looking after him.

"It seems you impressed him."

"I have no idea who he was but he seemed nice."

"He's the director," Tommy said, laughing at the shock on her face.

The bells rang and the crowd started to move. Tommy offered his arm and ushered her up the red carpeted stairs onto the Grand Tier where they caught up briefly with Judith and Dorothy with their partners. They greeted Judith warmly and Tommy shook Mathew's hand. Without thought he placed his other arm around Barbara's waist pulling her gently towards him but dropped his arm when he noticed his mother's questioning glance and Judith's smirk. He quietly cursed himself for arousing their suspicions. The quartet entered a small door and when Barbara went to follow Tommy stopped her and guided her to the next door. "We're in here,' he said.

Barbara stepped through the door into a different world. They were in a small private box with only four seats. The box was lined with red velvet and decorated with flourishes of gold. The deep chairs were upholstered in similar plush cloth with gold brocade outlining the arms and crested backs of the seats. Barbara looked around in disbelief as patrons shuffled into their seats in the orchestra stalls below them. She looked at Tommy for an indication of where she should sit and when he pointed to the chair in the front row she gathered the folds of her gown carefully beside her and sat delicately as if adding her weight to the chair might make it disappear in a puff of smoke. From that angle she could see the amphitheatre seats far above them. "Oh Sir, this is so different to what I imagined. I thought it would be like a cinema."

Tommy sat beside her. He was enjoying her reaction but felt he should apologise for the view. "It's private but unfortunately the views are obstructed so it is hard to see the stage unless you lean forward. Next time we come we'll sit over there," he said indicating discreetly the seats at the end of the Grand Tier. "The decoration is a bit over the top too I think but very much in keeping with the traditional opera style."

"No, it's perfect for this. Who's joining us?" Barbara asked nervously eyeing the other seats.

"No one." Tommy did not say he had bought the other seats just so he could be alone with her. She looked at him with the same eyes he had seen earlier and he leant in close to her hoping she would bridge the gap so that he could kiss her but pulled away when he remembered hundreds of people could see them. He wanted their first kiss to be memorable but private. "I thought it would be nice to share the experience together," he whispered, "just the two of us."

"Thank you Sir," she said enthusiastically as she leant forward to look at the stage still shrouded by the heavy red curtains below the royal crest, "it will be a fantastic experience."

Tommy sank back in his chair mildly frustrated but pleased that far from being overawed Barbara seemed to be enjoying herself. As the lights dimmed and the curtains slowly opened she sat back in her seat and listened as the first notes floated up from the orchestra pit. As the courtier began his proclamation she twisted and leant forward as politely as she could to watch the stage. Tommy leant close behind her and as he looked over her shoulder he saw the lavishly embroidered brightly coloured silk costumes through her excited eyes. The stage was set on two levels, clever metaphors for the royal court and the lowly peasants and was adorned with Chinese symbols of luck, strength and love to decorate the pagodas and throne. Barbara was enthralled and Tommy was delighted. He sat back slightly to watch her and fought his desire to nuzzle her neck and tell her he loved her.

As the first act unfolded Barbara sat back in her seat and listened. During the interval she chatted excited to Judith and Matthew about the production and the voices. Tommy was amused to hear her declare, "personally I prefer the Sutherland, Pavarotti and Caballe version, they bring such power and humanity to their roles."

"I had no idea Barbara was such an opera fan Tommy. I see why you invited her," his mother whispered, "how long have you been lovers?"

Tommy turned to her shocked. "We're not," he said firmly, "at least not yet."

"If it helps, I approve. She is strong enough to match you Tommy but only do it if you are sure you can match her."

The bells rang and they quickly made their way back to their boxes. The second act was well staged but Tommy's mind drifted back to his mother's warnings. _How can I ever be certain I will never hurt her?_ The more he thought about it the more he doubted he was strong enough. Barbara was looking at him strangely and he realised it was second interval. "Let's stay in here away from the world."

With the first notes of Nessun Dorma Tommy leant over and said, "I hope he does justice to the soccer song." She grinned at him and sat forward to watch her arm draped casually on the roll of the armrest. Tommy had his arm extended along his armrest but they were not touching. She continued to sit forward as Lui was being tortured. As Lui died Barbara did not take her eyes from the stage yet moved her arm over Tommy's and held his hand, their fingers intertwined.


	9. Chapter 9

If the world had ended at that moment Tommy would have died replete. They had briefly held hands before but this time Barbara had initiated the touch and he was giddy from the implication. His senses were enlivened and he was aware of every ridge and line in her hand. It was much softer and warmer than he had imagined and where their palms kissed the heat generated seemed to scald him. He could feel the soft thud of her heartbeat where their wrists converged and it pulsed through him making his own heart race. When he gripped her fingers tighter and ran his thumb tenderly over the ridges of her knuckles the beat quickened, echoed by his own. Barbara looked over and smiled and he had never been so completely at one with someone.

Calef and Turandot were still sparring and the theatre was lit only by the diffused orange and yellow glow from the stage. Tommy could see the outline of her face silhouetted by the mellow light. Holding her hand excited him and yet calmed him; made him feel free and yet bound him to her. It was a risk to push it further but he needed to know how what was in her heart. He had held back for fear he might hurt her but he was more sure of his feelings than he had ever been. There was an old Greek proverb that he remembered from Eton, a ship will be safe in its harbour but will be eaten by worms so better to let it fly through the sea and risk breaking in storms.

No one was watching them even if they could be seen, and as Calef and Turandot declared their love he swivelled in his seat. "Barbara," he said quietly. She turned to face him and he reached out with his left hand and placed it gently on her cheek, drawing her face closer. He watched her eyes carefully for any sign of fear and was rewarded with the same soft desire he had seen earlier that night. He paused slightly to savour the moment and then pressed his lips against hers with a force that was barely perceptible. Her lips were as silky and pliable as he had imagined and when she returned his gentle kiss with a light pressure against his own lips Tommy thought he might faint. The Chinese gongs sounding out the capitulation of Turandot merged with the bells that were ringing in his own head. _Vincero! _

As the lights came up Tommy ran his fingers lovingly over her face and they separated. It had been a perfect moment and Tommy saw in Barbara's look the same emotions he was sure shone from his eyes. She loved him with as much intensity as he loved her. He rested his forehead on hers and wanted to tell her he loved her but he knew the timing was not right. Normally such a simple gesture would have been merely a prelude to a deeper, more sensual kiss but this had been much more erotic for Tommy. It spoke of a total love, not just passion and desire, and held the promise of so much more. Reluctantly he sat back in his seat, still gripping her hand. They would be expected to join the others for supper but he did not want to move.

"Thank you Sir," she said dreamily, "that was beautiful."

"Hmm, it was." Tommy was floating somewhere outside of his body.

She laughed quietly as she unlaced her fingers and stood. "I meant the opera!"

He knew disappointment flashed across his face. The opera had been good but kissing her, even so briefly, had been the beautiful part. "I was hoping something more important than the opera happened tonight."

He looked at her and saw that she had been teasing him. The joviality on her face was replaced with a disarming honesty where he felt he was looking directly at her soul. "It did Tommy."

A sense of peace and euphoria rippled through him and his face broke into a huge grin; one of his slightly naughty secret grins that he smiled only for her. It was the very last thing that he wanted to do now but duty called. "Come on or the others will think we are up to no good."

It took them half an hour of handshakes and forced small talk to reach the cab where his sister and mother were waiting. Tommy watched with pride as she deftly handled questions about the opera and their relationship from his acquaintances. "We work together" or "We're good friends" were her standard lines which revealed almost nothing. He was happy to keep their relationship between them until they understood it themselves. He helped her into the cab but she deftly shook off his hand and they sat side by side talking to everyone but each other. It was as if nothing had happened and Tommy was not sure whether to be grateful or confused. He wanted to touch and hold her; take her home to make love to her. He turned and caught Barbara's eye and for the briefest second saw the same look she had had before he kissed her. Neither broke their gaze. Tommy knew that the conversation they were having with their eyes to the exclusion of others was bordering on rude and he could not have cared less. He wanted Barbara to understand that he loved her. His raised eyebrows had questioned if they should make excuses to leave but her frown reminded him of his obligations and he had regretfully acquiesced.

The restaurant was small and lit with old fashioned gas lamps that created an almost surreal ambience underlined by the feint acrid scent of burning coal and the coating of sawdust on the raw timber floor. The plaster ceiling was broken by strong oak beams that were supported by heavy timber columns that would not have been out of place in a riverside warehouse. The front window was arched, the glass panels fanning out like the rings and sections of a dart board. The light was dim and flickering and Tommy wondered if he had stepped into a Dickensian novel. The waiters were smartly attired in crisply starched nineteenth century shirts and waistcoats. The small tables were dressed with the whitest of linen and pure silver cutlery that by modern standards was over-sized. Matthew had selected the venue and Tommy worried that Barbara would be intimidated by its pretentiousness. "Sorry," he whispered, "not my choice."

To his surprise she was smiling. "I expect Jack the Ripper is lurking around somewhere."

He understood exactly what she meant and instinctively put his arm protectively around her shoulder. She shrugged free but smiled. "Don't worry Sir, I'm fine."

_Sir! _"What happened to Tommy?" She shook her head and he was again confused. Did she regret kissing him?

Tommy was relieved to see that the menu had nothing but traditional British food and Barbara seemed quite at ease ordering bangers and mash. He shivered at the thought and ordered the roast beef. Conversation flowed freely as they talked about the opera patrons and their friends. Barbara was joining in the conversation with his family far more easily than he had thought and he was relieved that the night had gone well. But why had she called him Sir?

'You seem to enjoy opera Barbara," his mother said and Tommy began to worry what might follow, "do you have a favourite?"

Barbara smiled and said, "yes, Turandot actually. I have some very special memories from the times I've heard it but tonight was the first time I'd seen it performed and I wasn't disappointed." She looked pointedly at Tommy and he swallowed hard.

"Do you prefer Italian or German operas?" Judith asked and Tommy groaned inwardly.

Barbara seemed unruffled. "I prefer Italian because of the contrast between the arias and recitative sections but I can understand people like Lord Asherton here who favour Wagner's more holistic musical style. I also think the Italian operas are more romantic and have greater appeal to the masses than the German ones with their loftier ideals."

Tommy's mouth fell open both at her statement and at her form of address but no one else seemed at all fazed. Then he remembered her book. It seemed she had been reading, extensively, and he wondered if she had been listening to other operas. "I must take you to see Wagner then Ms Havers so you can compare the style of performance," he said in his most pompous tone which raised a wry smile from her.

The conversation moved on swiftly to talk of Howenstowe and how Judith and Dorothy had met their new partners. George had retired to Cornwall after giving up his legal practice in the city and Matthew was a horse breeder. They chatted easily and Barbara joined in so effortlessly Lynley had almost forgotten how nervous she had been. Over their meal Barbara talked far too much to Matthew for Tommy's liking. Judith seemed unperturbed and so he ate his bland roast silently and tried to quell his rising jealousy.

"Tommy!" his mother said, "you seem very distracted tonight. I asked what you thought about Matthew's offer."

"Sorry Mother," he said refocussing his attention, "what offer was that?"

"To bring down two new mares at Easter."

Tommy was horrified but tried not to show it. He had assumed he and Barbara would have Howenstowe to themselves for Easter. "Don't come especially if you have other places to be," he said casually to Matthew who looked perplexed at the sudden coolness of his host.

Judith glared at Tommy and he knew he was in trouble. "I invited Matthew down for Easter and I don't think he has other places he would prefer to be."

"Sorry, I was thinking about a case. I didn't realise you were already planning to come down." He smiled and tried to sound much more generous than he felt. "It will be wonderful to have everyone down and a perfect time to bring the mares." He turned to his mother and said, "why don't you invite Peter down as well?" He hoped his mother understood his tone.

"Peter is busy this year." She seemed oblivious to his meaning.

Tommy looked at Barbara in apology. She simply smiled but seemed amused at his plight. Judith excused herself from the table and Tommy quickly followed. They stood at the rear of the restaurant near the bar. "Sorry Judith, I like Matthew. I was just hoping Barbara and I would be alone at Howenstowe this Easter."

Judith's smile was more of a smirk. "So it is serious!" she delcared, "we talked about you two throughout the whole opera. A private box just for the two of you; and you've been flirting shamelessly all night. I wonder how much of the opera you saw." She raised her eyebrows provocatively and he felt his face flush.

"It's not like that," he snapped and Judith stepped back, "Sorry…it's new and fragile and I don't want to mess it up."

"Tommy," his sister said gently, "you two have been close for years and if it has grown into something more then I'm happy for you. You are clearly besotted…" Tommy looked at her with such indignation that she laughed. "And she has clearly made an effort to be a better hostess tonight than you have as host. Matthew was quite nervous meeting everyone but she has made him feel at home. I like the way she cuts through your snootinesstoo _Lord Asherton_. "

"I want to marry her Judith; I was going to propose at Easter," he blurted out, unsure why he had confessed that to his sister. It had only really been a vague idea floating in his subconscious.

"Ah, I see little brother. So you would like us to suddenly have other plans?"

"No, that would be too obvious and I think I would be rushing her. I have a tendency to get carried away don't I?"

"Yes, you can smother your women with your enthusiasm. You can't make them love you because you want them to love you."

"I know."

"With Barbara you need to let her come to you in her own time and her own way or you'll lose her and you'll regret it."

His smile was more of a tight grimace acknowledging what she said was true. They re-joined the table and ordered dessert. His pudding was tasty and he smiled contentedly remembering how they had stolen food from each other's plates at the pub. His mother would be horrified but he was tempted to steal some of her chocolate cake. Barbara had affected him in ways he could never explain but he liked not feeling as constrained.

They all parted with genuine affection and promises of looking forward seeing each other on Friday. Tommy and Barbara climbed into a cab and he asked hopefully, "north or east?"

She smiled at him. "North."

He knew he had not been able to hide his frustration but he was mindful of his sister's advice. It was unrealistic to think that she would be ready to stay with him, even though he would have been perfectly willing to just have her lie in his arms all night. They chatted about the evening and Tommy slipped his hand into hers. She did not pull away until the cab arrived, all too soon, at her flat unhindered by traffic. He escorted her to her door and waited hoping she might invite him inside.

"Thank you for a memorable evening Sir. Are we still on for tomorrow?"

He put his hand on the top of her arm and traced his fingers over her shoulder. He bent down towards her. "It was a perfect evening, one I will never forget," he whispered as he kissed her cheek affectionately. He felt her hand on his hip. "I'll see you at ten." He pulled away half-heartedly and turned to walk away.

"Tommy."

He spun back to face her and she shyly grabbed the lapel of his coat and pulled him towards her. He saw his desire mirrored in hers eyes and they paused before she tugged him closer and kissed him softly. Her arms circled his waist as his arms enfolded her. The kiss was no more passionate than the one at the opera but for Tommy it was magical and was only broken by the insistent tooting of the cabbie.

"I'll see you in the morning then," she said and broke from his embrace.

"Yes". It was the only reply he could muster. He watched her door close and then went to the cab. As he sank into the seat his only thought was how ten o'clock could not come soon enough.


	10. Chapter 10

**Author's note: **Although my Tommy and Barbara are always based on the TV series versions this and the next chapter contains some backstory from the novels that I have added to and adapted mercilessly.

* * *

"See!" Barbara spat acerbically. She had been petulant and moody since Tommy had arrived at her flat promptly at ten o'clock. He had hoped after last night that she might have greeted him with a kiss or at least a smile but he had been rewarded with little more than a surly snarl.

Standing in front of the high, spiky steel bars Tommy wondered if the fence was designed to keep the undesirables inside the school or prevent them from entering. He assumed the former. The school had little architectural merit being nothing more than a functional collection of two-storey brick slabs neatly aligned amongst gardens of asphalt and concrete. The dull grey bricks showed the tell-tale bleach marks where graffiti had been repeatedly scrubbed from them and each window reflected the light in a different way. Tommy did not need to be a detective to know that they had been broken and replaced many times. Drab curtains hung limply across some of the windows, the tears and stains visible from the road. The only sign of human interaction was a basketball hoop that hung at an angle from a board that bore the tags of a local gang. There was nothing attractive about the school and no doubt nothing good had happened to Barbara inside its fortified bounds.

He had sympathy for Barbara's embarrassment but if they were to create a life together he needed her to understand that the whole Eton versus Acton bias that she clung onto so fiercely was meaningless. It did not matter to him or his family where she came from, what mattered was who she was as a person and how she treated him. He knew after last night's kiss that Barbara loved him. Neither of them had been able to hide the depth of their emotions. However much she loved him she also had to believe she was not inferior to him or she would never be confident enough to marry him. He had thought about little else last night as he lay awake fighting the urge to go back to her flat. It had surprised him how effortlessly she had been able to fit into that world. She would actually make a very refreshing Lady Asherton and now he wanted to make that a reality, as quickly as possible. He had spent hours trying to decide if he was pushing too hard and simply wanted to possess and master Barbara as he had done with so many women, including Helen. Once he succeeded he tired of them quickly. This, he knew, was different. The words of his sister had floated back to him but he would never own Barbara and he did not want that, instead he wanted her to possess him.

"What do you want me to see?"

"Where I come from. What I am. Why last night was a mistake." Tommy moved slightly behind her so that she was between him and the fence and could not easily escape.

"That's where you're wrong Barbara," Tommy said soothingly as he put his hands on her shoulders. "Last night was not a mistake; far from it." He slid his hands down her arms and across her waist and held her close. "This is simply the place you went to school. It contributed to your identity because of the experiences you had here and how you responded but who you are is not set by where you live or where you went to school. It comes from in here." He tapped his fist gently on her chest over her heart.

Barbara did not respond but seemed to nestle into him. He lowered his face and rested his chin lightly on her head. "Everything that happened to both of us has made us who we are now. If you hadn't come here and been driven to go into the police force I would never have met you. So how can you think this is a bad thing?"

"That's easy for you to say but it also helped make me bitter and resentful and all the things we argue about."

"Yes but other experiences, including being partnered with an insufferable ponce, have changed you just as you have changed me into a much more lovable ponce." Barbara made a noise that could almost have been mistaken for a laugh. "When I show you Eton you might understand we are not as different as you think."

Tommy let her go and she turned to face him. He could tell she was about to argue with him so he kissed her. It was an impulse and it caught them both by surprise. Last night's kiss had been gentle and romantic but now it escalated rapidly into something daring and sensual. Tommy reached out and grabbed the railings either side of her head to steady him as he pinned her unintentionally to the fence. He had wanted to kiss her this way for so long that he was more lustful and insistent than he intended. Barbara did not resist, in fact she had encouraged him. Her lips had tugged at his demanding passion and when he had obliged she had moaned with a deep satisfaction that told Tommy their needs were not all that different.

He broke away panting. "I'm sorry, I got carried away but you've no idea how long I've wanted to do that."

"What snog someone at a school gate?" she said teasingly.

"I hate that term."

"Well it's what people around here call it." There was a defensiveness creeping back into her voice.

"I don't care," he said stroking her hair, "it makes something truly beautiful sound cheap. Kissing you is so special it deserves to be cherished not trivialised!"

Barbara blushed under her already reddened face with a quaint mixture of innocence and desire. "I'm sorry about the way I greeted you this morning. I had a lovely night and you did nothing to warrant me growling at you. I don't deserve to have you treat me so well."

He kissed her again, this time softly and lovingly. It was an activity he doubted he would ever grow tired of doing. "You're forgiven. I want to spoil you rotten and pay you back for the years of grief I've given you. Anyway I promised you a trip to Acton _and_ Eton." He looked at his watch then took her hand and led her back towards the car. "I don't want to be late."

They sat in companionable silence for the half hour it took them to drive to Windsor. Barbara sat staring out of the car window and looked deep in thought. Tommy wanted to ask what she was thinking about but suspected it might be better if he did not know. As they drove along the tree lined avenue of Home Park Tommy smiled to see young men playing rugby on the same grassy fields on which he had once played. It was nostalgic to be here again but it also felt a world away from his reality.

"It's very green around here," she said pulling him from his reverie.

'Yes, fields surround Eton and Windsor. "I don't think we'll have time for the castle today but we can come back; it's well worth the visit. I will take you for a drive through Windsor great Park down to the copper Horse."

"What did you forget to tell Aunt Lizzie to expect us?" Tommy looked at her and smiled uncertainly. He was not sure if it was a class-laden jab or her attempt at humour.

She must have noticed. "It was a joke _Sir_, to let you know I was off my high horse from this morning."

"I'm very pleased _Havers_," he said, "Nice pun!" She grinned at him with a hint of wickedness that sent his pulse racing.

We are going into Windsor first to have lunch with an old friend then we'll walk across the bridge into Eton.

"An old friend?" He could tell Barbara was not keen. "You never said anything about that."

"Stop worrying; you'll like her." Barbara's eyebrows betrayed her curiosity at the mention of 'her'.

He navigated carefully through the narrow streets and parked near a modest cottage not far from the castle. "It's charming," Barbara said seemingly bewitched by the stone cottage with a bright blue door. The two front windows seemed too large for the walls and were also painted blue which seemed to give them a mysterious yet magical grace.

Tommy used the shiny brass bull's head knocker to alert the occupants to his presence. The door swung open almost instantly. He leant down and enthusiastically hugged a small, frail woman who was protesting in the way people do when they in fact do not want someone to stop. "Lord Asherton, put me down at once!"

"Barbara let me introduce you to Miss Micklethorp who was dame at my house in Eton; Miss Micklethorp this is Barbara Havers… my partner."

"Call me Mavis please," she said then turning specifically to Tommy, "both of you."

After the round of pleasantries they made their way into her parlour which was too small for the floral clad lounge and two bronze leather wing-chairs that it housed. Miss Micklethorp fetched a pot of tea and some scones from her kitchen then sat on one of the chairs. Tommy sat next to Barbara on the lounge which allowed him to slide his feet under the spare chair, sparing him from being cramped against the small oak coffee table. "It's so good to see you again Miss…er Mavis," he said as he lavished a generous scoop of jam and cream on a scone that he plated and handed to Barbara. He noticed the Royal Doulton tea service and was reminded of how she had always given him, and the other viscounts, the best care.

"Well you left us over twenty-five years ago and only come to see me once or twice every decade." She turned to Barbara. "He is very good though; he sends me cards every Christmas and has always made sure I am looked after."

Tommy was watching Barbara and could tell she was both confused and fascinated. "When I boarded at Eton I was in what they call a house with about fifty other boys. Mavis was in charge of the running of our house including our health and welfare. She used to make sure I got to meals on time and completed my homework so that I avoided the wrath of the housemaster and house captain."

Mavis offered Barbra another scone which Barbara accepted as she smiled graciously. "These scones are delicious Mavis. Thank you. I imagine he was a model student. He is still obsessively neat."

"Hardly! Viscount Vacennes as I knew him then, was an easily distracted boy in his early years," Mavis reminisced, "and of course quite sensitive. Boarding can be hard for a boy like that, especially when his father was so ill and so much was expected of him. He was quite resentful of his mother and made some interesting choices around that time. He needed a steady influence at times." Tommy and Mavis exchanged a meaningful look and he looked embarrassed. He noticed Barbara watching them closely and felt the heat rise in his face.

"Anyway," he said changing the subject, "tell me all about what you have been doing lately." They chatted for half an hour and Tommy made sure he explained any references they made to other old boys or Eton. He then excused himself for a stroll to stretch his legs. He knew it would be obvious to Barbara that he had meant for Mavis and her to talk but he was confident it would help his cause. Mavis of course had contacted him when Helen had died but in his call earlier this week to Mavis he had explained his situation. She had spoken to him about what he wanted and needed in life just as she had all those years ago and once again she had been happy to help him. When he returned Mavis and Barbara were laughing. "Telling each other tales about me no doubt," he interrupted them.

"No doubt," they both replied in unison then smiled at him. He could tell from Mavis' face that she had told Barbara much more than he had expected.

"Well I should give you the guided tour Barbara. Thank you again Mavis for your hospitality." He embraced Mavis hoping that it was not the last time he would see her. She was old and frail but her mind was still as sharp as ever. "Thank you. I'll ring you on Wednesday," he whispered.

It was just after noon and Tommy enquired if Barbara was hungry. There was a pub on the main street that used to sell chips he knew she would like. "No, I'm fine. Those scones were very filling."

They walked into the main part of Windsor below the castle and browsed in the myriad of quirky shops along the main street which was festooned with Union Jacks and red, white and blue bunting. Barbara seemed much more relaxed since her chat with Mavis but when he tried to take her hand she tucked hers firmly into her pockets. He sighed quietly but was then distracted by a passing group of wandering minstrels performing on the street as they headed up to the castle. The jester was playing a lute and singing gaily. Tommy was amused by his multi-coloured tights, the shimmering gold, green and red harlequin coat and his three pronged fool's cap. He nudged Barbara to point out how the jester was swishing his hat to the music to make the bells tinkle and found her staring into a window.

"What's wrong?" he asked concerned just before he felt her take his hand.

"Nothing," she said, "do you ever have moments where suddenly everything that was muddied and jumbled becomes clear?"

"Not often enough," he replied, puzzled. Then he followed her gaze to a photograph of an ocean storm that was hung on the wall of the shop. In small white letters there was a saying inscribed over the tumultuous blue sea: _Always remember that through the turmoil love may bring, the heart sees what is invisible to the eye._


	11. Chapter 11

**Author's note: J**udging by the drop in comments and traffic I think most people stopped reading this story after the opera kiss so I have decided to end it here rather than have them go on to Howenstowe for Easter.

Also I have a logjam of reality welling up behind me so after 200,000 or so words on Tommy and Barbara in the last six months I need to lay down my pen for a while, although I might add the odd vignette should inspiration strike. Thanks for everyone's comments of support for my stories, I hope they brought you pleasure.

This chapter is for jan danek .10, who inspired the last scene and through this site has become a treasured friend.

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Tommy read the sign again: _Always remember that through the turmoil love may bring, the heart sees what is invisible to the eye. _He looked down and their eyes locked in conversation. He smiled broadly then leant down and kissed her, tenderly but briefly. The unruly lock of hair that hung low on his forehead flopped over his left eye and Barbara reached up and pushed it back into place. It was a gentle, loving action and her soft touch and caring smile made him shiver. He knew that in years to come he would look back and know this was the moment they changed from friends tentatively skirting around their desires, to lovers in a deep, committed and lasting relationship. For the first time since he had been a teenager he was truly happy and free from self-doubt.

They continued to walk, hand in hand down Peascod Street towards the castle. Barbara paused at the entrance and admired the three imposing grey stone towers of the Lower Ward. "It looks like a real castle. I expect knights to charge out the gate on their horses."

Lynley laughed. "It is a real castle and if we could travel back in time we would see just that."

The couple turned left and headed down to the bridge across the river that led to Eton. Barbara stopped to study the ducks and swans on the river that were clustering around the bank looking hopefully at the pedestrians on the bridge for some scraps of bread. "It's peaceful isn't it," Tommy said contentedly thinking about his mind as much as the scene spread before them. He dropped her hand and put his arm around her shoulder and pulled her close then tilted his head to rest on hers. He could stay like this forever.

"They _are_ like you," she said and Tommy grunted at her in confusion. "Mavis said that you always reminded her of a swan and I understand what she means."

Tommy was not used to Barbara being so oblique. "Because I am tall?" he guessed.

"Partly. You're graceful and fluid above the surface but beneath it you are paddling furiously. I think I'm more like a duck."

"More like a goose I'd have said," he teased playfully. She hit on the arm and he reluctantly moved so that he could look down at one of the swans floating beneath the bridge. It was moving its head graciously surveying the water and what was happening around it but her assertion was true, its feet were paddling rapidly to maintain its momentum through the water. The ducks by contrast had much wider feet and stronger strokes. They pushed hard then bustled around the swans pecking and diving for food.

"Swans and ducks are quite different birds but they live together harmoniously," he observed.

"Yes, surprisingly they do." Her cheeky grin invited him to kiss her and he did with a great deal of affection and a growing passion. He wondered if they could simply go back to London now and consummate their love.

As they walked up High Street past the shops and eateries Tommy dropped his arm and became nervous. Barbara ignored his change in demeanour and asked, "where's the school?"

"This is the commercial end of town but it still has close connections to the college. Most of the main buildings are up here." Tommy took a deep breath and noticed Barbara scrutinising him. "It is Lent Half break now so none of the boys will be around."

'Oh, so the school will be closed then?"

"No, they open it for tours during the three half breaks but I've arranged for us to be able to go inside alone."

"Old boy privileges eh?" she said raising her eyebrow. "So if they have half breaks how can they have three of them?"

"It's a hangover from when Eton had two halves but these days there are actually three halves to the year."

"I see. So no one from here gets A-levels in Mathematics then!" Tommy laughed and hugged her shoulder.

"Here come down this lane and I'll show you where I lived." They turned down the lane and wound around the street before he stopped in front of a classic three storied manor house. Like many other buildings at Eton it had a formal stone entrance set into its red brick walls but otherwise it was functional yet unimpressive. The oversized sash windows had their twelve panes neatly picked out in white. Tommy pointed to a window on the left corner. "That was mine up there on the middle floor. I had the dubious privilege of having windows on two sides but I think all that did was make the room colder in winter."

"They really are houses. I guess that's where most schools get the term from then."

"Yes, I suppose they do. I hadn't ever thought about it. We ate over there in Bekynton. Some houses have their own dining rooms but we used to eat there. That's where I learned how to fight for my food if I have to. Miss Micklethorp was very kind to us, especially when we first came down. I didn't like to think so at the time but just as the masters gave the titled boys a harder time, the dames used to give us extra privileges to make up for it."

"Would you ever send your sons here?"

"I used to assume I would but I really don't know now. When Helen and I lost the baby it made me realise how precious children can be and I'm not sure sending them off to boarding school would necessarily be the best thing for them, or me. It's a great education but it would depend on the boy."

"I don't think I could send them, not until their senior years anyway."

"Well we won't send them then," Lynley said decisively. He saw Barbara staring at him when she realised his implication.

"Come on I'll show you the main school." They turned back towards the main road walking in silence past an impressive Portland-stone church that dominated the skyline. "Well this is the main entrance," he said as they stopped on the road in front of an underwhelming double storied red brick building. The windows and archway that led through to the cobble-stoned courtyard were outlined in stone. To the left was a red brick crenelated addition with intricate diamond and arrow patterns in a darker brick. A motley collection of red brick buildings in different architectural style continued up the road. The entrance to one of the world's great schools could easily be mistaken for the rear of a manor house.

Barbara smirked at Tommy. "It is a bit like Acton isn't it with its fortifications."

He smiled thinly then blew his breath out through pursed lips and walked through the arch. He had been back many times but this visit was different. He wanted to show Barbara some of the seedier side of his history here and let her see that he had not had the idyllic school career of which she had so often accused him. In abstract it had seemed easy but now that he was here he understood exactly why Barbara had been so discomforted at Acton. He had thought she had been embarrassed by the humbleness of the school but he now realised she was mortified at the thought of her own actions and experiences that she had, wisely, chosen not to share.

The courtyard had not changed in hundreds of years and certainly not since he had left. "Eton was founded in 1440 by King Henry the Sixth, that's his statue over there," Tommy told Barbara. "The building on the left is College where many of the King's Scholars live. They're the smart ones that were originally on scholarships paid by the King. It is one of the original buildings. The tower is Lupton's Tower."

Barbara looked up at the clock tower with its octagonal Tudor turrets topped with copper spires. "The tops look like the pots that the wise men would've carried their frankincense and myrrh in. I imagine a lot of wise men have come from here."

Tommy followed her gaze and half chuckled. "Plenty of not so wise men too!"

"Can you get inside the church?" she asked.

"The Chapel? Yes, through here." Tommy led the way into the high walled perpendicular styled church through an entrance in the side. The ceiling stretched to heaven with eight buttresses supporting a classic fan-vaulted stone ceiling. The rear wall was dominated by a huge seven-set organ with clusters of varying sized pipes which were mesmerising. They were delicately etched in florid patterns of reds and greens, trimmed with black and gold. Beneath ornate paintings and carvings of great religious legends, the nave had four rows of long, darkly stained timber pews down each side of a central aisle which led to a traditional chancel with a large, beautifully detailed, stained glass window above the sanctuary. The blues of the glass seemed to eclipse the other colours lending an ethereal sapphire glow to the chapel.

Tommy sat in a pew and bowed his head thinking back through his years. They had not turned out to be anything like he had expected when he had first sat in the chapel as an excited thirteen year old. He remembered he had sat in his new morning suit loftily planning to be a successful barrister prosecuting criminals and valiantly defending the innocent. He had retained his values on that front at least but he had compromised so many others. Life had spiralled out of control and the more he had tried to govern it the more it had eluded his grasp. John Corntel had accused him of having becomes jaded and myopic, seeing only the bad in people and being immune to emotional connections. At the time he had dismissed it as the excuse of a good but flawed man but in reality he was the broken

man who could not connect. "These places are pressure cookers. There are always expectations to perform and then when you have other issues sometimes it becomes too much. This school was where my life started to de-rail Barbara."

Barbara sat beside him and put her hand on his thigh to comfort him. "It's okay. Mavis told me what happened with your mother and how you reacted. And then with your father so I understand now why you were so close to Corntel. We all do things drunk that we would never dream of doing sober and we all do and say things we regret. I didn't know about Simon's accident and Deborah's abortion and I don't need to hear the details. I understand a lot more now and so much of your behaviour over the years makes sense. Mistakes are part of being human Tommy. I know I'm not exactly one to talk but you can't let regrets and recriminations rule your life."

He could tell from her face that she understood perfectly. The expectations and issues may have been different but the effects were the same, Eton or Acton. "What about fear?"

"That either. Remember what the sign said? 'Through the turmoil love may bring, the heart sees what is invisible to the eye'. We both have to stop looking for the answers somewhere else and starting trusting how we feel."

"So what does your heart see Barbara?" he asked warily lowering his head, wondering if he really wanted to hear the answer.

She reached out and lifted his face so that she was looking directly into his eyes with an intensity that burned through him. "That no matter how many reasons my eyes can see to run away from this, my heart only needs to see one to stay."

"And has it found it?" He desperately wanted her to say yes.

Barbara took a deep breath. "It had it years ago."

Her admission surprised him. "So did mine. I was just too scared to acknowledge it. Do you remember that night when I turned up at your flat and stayed on your sofa?"

"Yeah, you were lonely and confused."

"I was confused because I got to Christine's flat and knew it wasn't right. I only wanted to be with you Barbara because you listened to me and you genuinely cared about me in ways no one else ever had. It was perhaps the closest we came. I was hoping you would extend your hand or something but you never did."

"It wasn't right, not then. You would have felt guilty because you are a good man, an honourable man, and even though you thought Helen wanted a divorce you were still married."

He nodded acknowledging she was right; it would have ruined everything. "It might have been better if she had divorced me, at least she might still be alive."

"You can't blame yourself, or anyone, for that. No regrets, no recriminations, no fear remember? We both have to let the past go and focus on the future Tommy, that's the only way this will work. You were right to bring me here and going to Acton this morning. There is no difference, I see that now. People can be isolated and lonely and tormented in both places. They can make poor choices in both. They can sleep around, or never sleep with anyone, because they are scared. I understand now what you've been saying about it not mattering where we've come from, it's only where we want to go that counts. I might not have extended my hand then but I am now."

Tommy could feel the tears well up in his eyes. He knelt down in front of Barbara and took her hand. "The Greeks had many different words to describe love. English has too few. Love for us is more of a collective noun that encompasses so many feelings. I've had some of those feelings for other women in the past but never before have I had all of them for one woman. I love you Barbara, in ways I never even knew were possible. I want to spend every day and every night together for the rest of our lives. Will you marry me?"

Barbara did not hesitate. "Yes, it's not always going to be easy for either of us, but yes, I love you too Tommy and want to be with you." He smiled at her, his special Barbara smile, then reached out and embraced her, kissing her gently to seal their promise.

His proposal had been uncharacteristically spontaneous but much more appropriate than his original plan. He had envisaged taking her on another picnic, complete with wicker basket, to spot at Howenstowe on the cliffs that overlooked a pretty little cove. He had imagined that he would propose formally and then they would spend the afternoon making love in the grass. He sighed at the thought.

Lynley helped Barbara to her feet and they walked back into the courtyard, their arms around each other. "We can be back in London in an hour," he said with intent as they walked quickly towards Windsor.

She stopped in her tracks. "That's the only thing that really worries me."

"What?"

She hung her head sheepishly. "You should know that I am not very good at that sort of thing. We have only really er…touched since last night and it is the longest physical relationship I've ever had."

Tommy took her in his arms and cuddled her. "Sorry, I didn't mean to rush you, there's plenty of time. It's just a physical manifestation of how we feel so it will be perfect, whenever it happens."

"I've only tried it once, years ago when I was about twenty-four. It was awkward and only vaguely pleasant."

"Did you love him?"

"No, I can't even remember his name. Michael or something I think."

Tommy was sympathetic. "See that's the difference, it was only biological. This will be very special, I promise, because we will be making love with not just our bodies but our hearts and our minds. When the time is right you will want me as much as I want you now." He gently caressed her back and then kissed her softly.

They walked slowly back to the car past the main street which was now much quieter; the tourists had gone to the castle for the afternoon tours. The bunting was waving gently in the breeze and the sounds of the cars and pedestrians merged into a harmonious hum. As they passed an arcade they both stopped. Down the narrow alley came the unique sound of Pavarotti singing Nessun Dorma. Tommy tugged at her hand and they went down the arcade to trace the source of the music. It was coming from an old-fashioned little shop set in a mock Tudor wattle and daub house. The whitewash had faded to a mottled browny-grey and the many tiny window panes were crafted from dull and lumpy glass but there was an aura that attracted Tommy and he could tell Barbara was equally captivated. A small timber sign hung on an ornate black spike above the door, 'James & Sons of Windsor, Bespoke Jewellers'.

"How quaint," Barbara said as they both pressed their faces to the glass to peek in. There was an array of fancy rings and bracelets in silver and gold in a small display case.

"That's it," they both exclaimed in unison, then looked at each other.

Tommy had not even thought about the accoutrements of their engagement. He had not even thought of their conversation in those terms but when he had seen the ring he had known that was exactly what he should buy for Barbara. He pulled her into the shop. A small man in his eighties emerged from the back. He was slightly stooped and wore a black waistcoat over a soft cream linen shirt. He looked up at them and smiled. "It will be perfect for you," he said warmly to Barbara.

"How do you know which one I like?"

He pulled the tray from the case. "It's been waiting for you since I made it." The jeweller handed Tommy his loupe as he laid the tray in front of them. Tommy picked up the ring. It had a thick strong band of red gold, slightly wider than the fashion and gently rolled at the edges. Two brilliant emeralds were set into the band which made the half carat or so princess cut diamond between them stand out and yet not look ostentatious. Tommy put the loupe to his eye and examined the stones. He could tell they were real and of fine quality.

Tommy placed the ring on Barbara's finger, amazed that it fitted so perfectly. She stared at it and then at him. "We'll take it," he told the man.

"You didn't even ask the price," Barbara hissed at him, "but thank you it is beautiful." She rewarded him with a smile and without thinking he kissed her with all the love that brimmed from him. It was met with such passion that he thought his heart might stop.

"Tommy," she said shyly when their lips parted briefly, "do they have a hotel in Windsor?" They grinned at each other then resumed their kiss.


End file.
